


Artemis Fowl and The Shadow Partner

by divisionten



Category: Artemis Fowl - Eoin Colfer
Genre: Canon Divergent, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-09-26 06:17:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17136548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/divisionten/pseuds/divisionten
Summary: Cannon divergent post Lost Colony (with some bits of cannon taken from later books):Three months have passed since he saved the demons, and Artemis's magic hasn't faded one lick. Artemis Senior is remembering things from  his own younger days- fairy things. If only Commander Root were still alive to sort everything out, as Artemis and his entire family have to work together to solve a prisoner's disappearance and keep Artemis's own haywire powers in check.(Note, this work is on hiatus while I finish ∞:∞)





	1. Afterglow

Artemis took a sharp inhale, rubbing his temples in irritation. Month three, now, post return from the demon’s pocket dimension. His parents had accepted him easily- though how much was parental love and how much was the very minor mesmer Artemis put on them he didn’t know. He frowned. He was a changed man from that one day-cum-three years trip.

It wasn’t just that he was now an older brother. Butler looked at him differently, more protective. On the plus side, Holly and the fairies called far more often, and with more genuine joy to speak to him.

His original interaction of literally kidnapping and ransoming one of their best officers was now chalked up to an unfortunately bad series of events. The People at large still only knew of him in whispers, or from a fairy-made movie (some elves played the part of himself and Butler, with taped down ears and lots of forced perspective, to their chagrin), but the reactions were turning slightly more positive.

But that didn’t help him now, with a magic-induced migraine on the horizon. Artemis checked his phone calendar, even though he really didn’t need to. It was a week to a full moon, and the fairy part of him was demanding something primal.

‘I am not going out dancing naked under a full moon,’ he thought morosely. ‘No matter how much my mind is insisting.’

He wasn’t sure if the naked part was just his own imagination, but the full moon, dancing, and flashes of the idea of a fairy circle were absolutely some form of instinct. Him! Dancing! As if he could even imagine it at all. He could barely fight or do anything remotely physical. He couldn’t even imagine a whole evening of that, even if he were among fairy friends.

More worrying was the severe nausea whenever he entered a house or shop or building if he wasn’t specifically invited. Or the bile in his throat when he was in someone else’s house and asked to do something that he didn’t. He was in a human’s house, and had to do what was asked of him now, he mused.

‘Well, if I have to follow fairy rules now, the least I should do is go and perform the Ritual,’ Artemis finally concluded. ‘Which means I need to…’

Artemis sighed. He’d have to get an acorn from an old tree at a river bend on the same night that… how many fairies were there in the world anyway? And didn’t most go to Tara for their acorns? If he went to where he had nabbed Holly and waited for a quiet moment, he could probably-

Artemis’s communicator began to ring with Holly’s ringtone. Social call, at least.

Artemis rubbed his temples once more, put on a neutral face- as much as he could- and answered.

“Afternoon, Holly, to what do I owe the pleasure?”

Holly’s face, which had been bright and chipper, changed to shock. “Artemis? Are-”

Artemis looked at the screen, confused, then worried as he watched Holly’s face quiver. “Holly? Holly? Can you tell me what is wrong?”

“You’re… healing yourself, Artemis.” Holly said each word slowly, as if she didn’t believe what she was saying. “You’re sparking with magic around your face.”

Artemis paled for a moment. “I…” he said, flustered, pawing worriedly at his face, seeing sparks of blue bounce of the inside of his hands.

Artemis bit his lip and fumed silently.

“No more magic, huh?” Holly said, eyebrow cocked.

“Maybe a small amount,” he replied, face slightly flush. “And…” he added, pausing. He closed his eyes and steepled his fingers. Holly was his best friend. He needed to come clean.

“I think I’ve become part fairy. I haven’t been sure but I think I’m bound by the Book.”

Holly pulled at an ear. “Foaly had his suspicions. So did Quan. I was just calling about coming up to visit, but, maybe a few of us should.”

“I’ve been getting headaches right before a full moon,” Artemis supplied, shoulders separating and relaxing a little. Holly wasn’t mad. Just worried. “And extremely nauseous when I enter a building uninvited. I have to step out and ask permission to come inside.”

Holly nodded. “The dimensional shift,” she said flatly. “If you are partially fairy now, well, you’re one of us. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or…”

“Utterly terrifying,” said a deep voice. Artemis felt a massive hand thud on his shoulder, and almost jumped from his chair. He slunk a little in his plush office chair, realizing it was only Butler. There went his privacy.

“You were listening?” Artemis hissed at him.

“My Gnomish could use some work, but…” Butler said, with a sharp grin and heavily Irish-accented Gnomish. “yes. Of course I was. It’s my **job** , Artemis.”

Artemis just yanked at his hair. “So are you going to sedate me when you drag me down to Police Plaza this time or is your new Commander a little more forgiving?” he snapped out at Holly before calming himself back down. The migraine was making him more irritable than he should be to his friends.

Holly frowned, tapping her cheek under what had once been Artemis’s blue eye. “If you’re a fairy, Artemis, our law demands we treat you like one. I’ll have to bring this up to Commander Kelp, but, if this is true, a severe change in magical power of a fairy is usually a home visit first. Often followed by a solicitation by the Warlock College,” she added with a smile. “They always need more smart people who can conjure.”

Artemis frowned. “Are you telling me that I’ll be hounded by magic prep schools?”

“Their mascot is a dullahan,” Holly said, helpfully, a wicked grin on her face.

* * *

 “Mirrored contacts, Butler?” Artemis asked under his breath as he adjusted his Armani sport coat.

“On,” Butler replied gruffly. “Though I don’t think they’re going to do anything.”

“You know me. Best be prepared for any eventuality,” he replied a little nervous. He wasn’t expecting company to arrive within 24 hours, but here he was, ready to receive at least five or six fairies in the back garden at twilight.

Artemis spotted a shimmer of haze. “You can unshield, friends,” he said to the air. “My parents are out with the twins. And Butler has deactivated all the patio cameras.”

Holly slipped into view, as did a gnome in a lab coat, and a tall (by fairy standards) male elf, dark skin and raven black hair with colored pink streaks. A fairy doctor and Commander Kelp, he realized. Artemis heard a crinkle, and Foaly, who was a centaur and unable to shield, folded up his cam-foil cloak and gently rolled it on his shoulder. Quan and N’1 followed, popping into existence.

Kelp squinted, craning his neck over a foot to look Artemis in the eye.

“Would you prefer I sit?” Artemis asked cordially. “I have drinks and snacks for all. I know it takes time to come all the way here.”

“Drop the pleasantries, Fowl,” Commander Kelp grumbled.

“Fruit?” Holly asked cheerfully.

“It is fall,” Artemis said with a genuine smile, pointing to a spread of sliced fruit, jams, and artesian crackers on the table. “The persimmons are in season.”

“Captain Short, you aren’t seriously-” Trouble started, but it was too late. Everyone was attacking the crudités, as Artemis pulled up his brother’s booster seats for his company.

“Sorry, Foaly, I wasn’t expecting you,” Artemis added, with an apologetic shrug. Butler was already pulling the outdoor chaise lounge over to the table so the quadruped could sit with them.

Trouble sat down in a regular patio chair in a huff, just tall enough to sit in it, but still short enough that his head barely cleared it seated.

“Captain Short claims you’re fairy enough now,” Commander Kelp said sharply, trying to ignore the treats on the table, drumming his fingers to take his mind off the apricot jam facing him. N’1 fixed up a small plate and pushed it towards the irate elf who finally, begrudgingly, took the food.

“Anyway,” Kelp continued, after he took a few tentative bites. “That’s for us to decide. I have one of our best warlock doctors here to look at you. And if you are ‘fairy enough’, well, you’re one of us. As much as it irritates myself and the rest of the council.”

“And if I’m not?” Artemis asked calmly.

“Our demon friends will suck out the rest of the magic you have. A human with magic is a bad idea. We won’t mind wipe you or anything. Frond knows how well that went last time. But as a human, too much fairy power could rip you apart, Fowl. Best nip it here.”

“What if I’m injured after?”

“Do what humans do. Go to the hospital,” Trouble said simply. “Doctor Moss?”

The gnome finished a slice of plum, wiped his hands, and picked up a large bag. “I’ll assume you’d rather be somewhere private?”

“You’re welcome inside,” Artemis said with a nod. “And everyone else here is always welcome in my home,” he added. “Any fairy that is a friend of mine or Holly has free passage in Fowl Manor.”

Trouble blinked twice. “You mean for tonight, right?”

“In general,” Artemis replied nonchalantly. “I don’t enjoy finding the contents of fairy stomachs on my carpet.”

* * *

Artemis sat unceremoniously on the edge of his bed, down to his boxers as he was poked and prodded by not only Doctor Moss, but Foaly, who covered him in paste and pads.

Other than the occasional “hmm” and “I see”, the room was deadly quiet. Artemis knew his parents were taking the boys to their very first theater performance in Dublin, so they’d be gone not just the night, but all the way to the following morning. That didn’t make the worry that they could walk in on a home doctor’s visit any less pressing.

“I’m just going to confirm my findings with Foaly, here,” Doctor Moss said sternly, closing up a strange tool that he’d used to press on Artemis’s shoulder blades. “You can dress and return outside.”

Artemis didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing- or if being a fairy was even the good outcome in this scenario. Soundlessly, he got dressed, pressing his temples again as the moon-dance migraine hit again.

He’d either have the magic taken away, or he’d be going out on the wild hunt this weekend, he mused. No use worrying about it until the two of them figured out what to do.

* * *

 Artemis sat outside with the elves, demons, and Butler, more nervous with every minute that ticked by.

He was a fairy, or he wasn’t. Why was it taking so long? At least N’1 and Butler were in a spirited conversation about Jane Austen, while Holly continued to raid the snacks- Butler had already refilled the vegetable tray three times over.

“You don’t have any springwater, do you, Fowl?” Trouble finally asked.

“The pitchers are all spring water,” Artemis replied. “Even the ice. I know human pollutants are a problem.”

“Well, you’re not a **_terrible_** host,” Trouble muttered back, pouring himself a glass.

“Fairy,” Foaly said, commanding, clopping his way to the table, with the doctor on his hooves. “He’s absolutely a fairy now.”

Trouble spat his drink, dropping the crystal glass on the paving stones below.

* * *

 N’1 bent under the table, magicking the glass shards back to a whole while the rest stared on at the doctor and Foaly.

“Sorry it took so long,” Doctor Moss added. “We just couldn’t believe it. After all, Artemis only traded an eye. However, it’s likely that his, well, everything mixed up with the demons and Holly as he traveled trough the rift. Even though the only actual trade was this,” he said, pointing at his own left eye, “his overall DNA is far closer to us than human. He’s a fairy. And, despite the height and ears, would likely be classified an elf. A **_Short_** , no less.”

“Are you saying I’m Holly’s brother?” Artemis asked incredulously.

“Biologically speaking, that’s a good descriptor,” Foaly replied, patting Artemis on the knee. “Welcome to the Family.”

N’1’s head popped up, followed by an arm, shaking the crystal glass.

“Fixed it!” He chirped happily, before looking between the others seated around him.

“Did I miss something?”

* * *

 

“So what now?” Artemis asked Holly, slumped in his chair. It was nearing midnight, and everyone else had left. Trouble needed to go get paperwork for the newest elf to have passage to and from Haven. Begrudgingly.

Or was it? The sharp raven and pink haired elf cocked an eyebrow-less eye at Artemis as he, the Doctor, Foaly, and the demons left for Haven.

Holly had an overnight visa, which she’d been saving for the weekend to go back up and do the Ritual. She’d need another now, which she’d likely be granted lest the force have one of their best less magic another month.

“Now?” Holly echoed, looking pensively up at the stars above. “I guess you’re my little brother.”

Artemis considered cracking a joke about how she was the smaller between, but stopped himself.

“Do you get the urge to go out under the full moon? Is that… normal behavior?” he settled on asking.

“Anyone magical does. And some that don’t. Even the demons want to go up dancing during that time of the month. The non magical demons I mean. It makes sense Quan and N’1 would want to go. I guess I’ll have to take you. Young fairies have the most pressing urges. It tapers with time. Do the Ritual a few times and you’ll just want to go, no headaches or pain. Skip it for too long and it’ll be annoying again.”

Artemis scoffed. **_Young_** fairy. Well, he wasn’t even fifteen. With fairy lifespans that would be what, a toddler?

“I’ll take you to Tara this weekend,” Holly said with finality. “It’ll be safer for you to be among warlocks if your magic goes haywire than if we went somewhere more secluded.”

“Not without me you aren’t,” Butler stepped in, sitting on the other side of Artemis.

“Artemis is just short enough to pass as an extremely tall elf,” Holly chided. “You don’t.”

“Then let me have a cam-foil cloak,” Butler insisted. “You’re not separating me from my principal.”

Holly’s eyes narrowed. “Butler, have you ever seen Disneyland around Christmas?”

Butler frowned. “That bad?”

“It’s the autumnal equinox moon, it’ll be max capacity. And imagine everything my size. Quan’s at the largest. Even with cam-foil you’ll send civilians flying just walking between the food stalls.”

Holly thought hard for a moment. “You could… probably hang out in a tree at the edge. If anything actually did happen, you’d be in the middle of it all in five strides. And a better view of the whole thing anyway.”

“That’s fair,” Butler said, nodding.

“I’ll get you an aerial map of the site by tomorrow night, is that okay? We won’t ever be out of your sight.”

Butler grunted, crossing his ams. “If you do…” he started.

He didn’t need to finish that sentence.

* * *

 

Artemis sputtered for the second time in as many days. “I… what.”

“You’re not going in a suit, Artemis. You’re supposed to blend in with the group, not stick out like a sore thumb. You have an hour to go through the magazines I just messaged you and pick out clothes.”

“Or what?” Artemis asked curiously, staring at his fairy communicator screen.

“Or I pick for you. And you wear it. I hear ruffles are in,” she added mischievously. “Or would you rather a kilt?”

“Irish,” Artemis replied, color draining from his face. “Not Scottish.”

“Don’t care. Tick tick, mud boy,” she added more as a jab than any kind of mean spirited insult. “Three full outfits and I’ll stop at the shopping center and get them in your size. And pick a hair color.”

“You are not stuffing me in a wig all night,” Artemis protested.

“Of course not. You’ve already got a migraine and that’ll just be worse. I’m dyeing it.”

“You’re **what** ,” Artemis replies flatly.

“With colored wax. It washes right out. You can’t look too much like you, Artemis. This is supposed to be incognito.”

“Next you tell me you’re going to glue points to my ears.”

“I figured that was a given,” Holly replied nonchalantly, before looking at his horrified expression. “Artemis, I’m not bringing a teenage human to a fairy circle. Even if you are, medically speaking, not human. It’ll be chaos.”

“I… suppose,” Artemis replied slowly, breathing out and sighing. “Fine. As long as nothing is permanent. I don’t really have a choice, do I?”

“Not unless you want to live with massive headaches, no.”

“Color?”

Butler looked over his shoulder at Artemis at his desk. “Something bright, then. Your boss had pink in his hair. That normal?”

“Normal, yes. The only color we don’t have naturally is purple. But some will dye it that color, so it’s not odd to see.”

“What’s bright but rare?” Butler asked.

“Can’t I just be blonde?” Artemis squeaked.

“Blue’s not so common right now,” Holly said with a grin. “Green’s been in.”

“There you go, Artemis. Blue hair. For one night.”

“I cannot believe you people,” Artemis slunk.

“Forty five now, Artemis,” Holly replied, before shutting communications.

If he had to go through with this, he’d do it correctly. Artemis took out a small notebook.

Elf. Tall elf. What fairy size was he again? A six? Seven? No, he’d grown to an eight now, and nine was the largest their clothes even went. Blue hair, so untrendy by Holly’s description. He tapped a pen on the page. A cover- he needed a backstory.

Name, perhaps?

Well, if Holly was dragging him into this, he was going to embarrass her while getting stares from the other fairies at Tara.

He scrolled though a fairy baby name site, picking common, but not too common.

As he started flipping through the fashion magazines Holly sent, Artemis lazily began penning our a cover for himself, with a name on the top.

FERN SHORT.


	2. The Safety Dance

Artemis frowned. He knew Butler was looming, and trying to keep his composure.

“I'm trying to imagine Holly shoving you into any of these and I just cannot,” Butler said, suppressing a laugh.

“It’s not me, it’s Fern Short. Her **_extremely_** irritating introvert programmer cousin with no social skills,” Artemis replied, with a smirk.

“Picking a cover, are we?” Butler replied. “You’ve learned well.”

“It’s the only way I can even sort of imagine wearing any of this crap,” Artemis replied, shrugging, flicking though the digital pages of cloaks and tunics and jumpsuits that had lines of glowing light sewn into the hems and patterns. PERFECT YOUR EQUINOX LOOK, the magazine extolled about what could best be described as fairy rave gear, complete with instructions on bioluminescent face paints that were “in” that year.

“I can’t tell if I’m going to a fairy circle or a discotec.”

“Artemis?”

“Yes, old friend?”

“Nobody says discotec.”

* * *

“Ready for tonight?” Butler hissed at Artemis, sitting at the dinner table next to Beckett in a booster seat.

His migraine was pressing down on his face to the point he was past pain. He could feel his magic crackling around his temples, acting as an anesthetic against the swelling. There was no way his parents couldn’t see the sparks on his face. Even if his pitch black hair was long enough to cover the pressure points.

“Going out, Artie?” his mother asked gently from across the table.

“Yes, Mother, I am,” Artemis said calmly. “Butler will be accompanying me for the evening. We were invited to an autumnal equinox party at Tara.”

Artemis’s mother raised a well manicured eyebrow. “A party, Artie? Since when do you willingly go to social events?”

“I am accompanying a friend, Mother. I will be back in the morning.”

“A friend, Artemis?” his father asked, curious.

“A… female friend, yes,” Artemis added, with fake slyness. Hopefully they would insinuate it was a date and let him go. His mother had been goading him to try and meet girls, or do anything that most other parents would be boxing their teenagers’ ears for.

“Her name?” his mother interrogated, leaning forward, having taken the bait.

“Holly. And I am meeting her there, Mother. It is a dance.”

“See now that I can’t believe. My son Artie, going out on a Saturday, on a dancing date, with a girl! Next you’ll tell me you won’t wear a suit.”

Artemis suddenly felt very hot under the collar but still kept the ruse. “T-talk to Butler,” he said, before dipping his head into his bisque.

“I can assure you, Holly is a very good influence on Artemis,” Butler commented, passing the basket of fresh rolls down the table to Artemis Sr.

“So you’ve met Artie’s girlfriend and I haven’t?” Angeline Fowl asked with a pout.

“She’s not my girlfriend,” Artemis said, annoyed, adding under his breath in Gnomish, “technically my sister.”

“Giiiiiirlfriiiiiiend,” chirped the twins.

Artemis dropped his soup spoon. “I’m going to excuse myself, thank you,” he said curtly. It was a good enough excuse. Holly had warned him to go hungry.

“Artie, no, wait,” his mother called after him.

“I am fine, Mother. There will be a meal served there. I should change.”

“Let me see you before you go.”

Artemis paled. It was an order in a human dwelling. Artemis could feel the bile already rising in his throat knowing he was planning to disobey.

“You see me now, Mother.”

“Please?”

“Mother, it is a masquerade party. I will be putting the rest of the costume on there. If I have reception I will send you a photo of us.”

Angeline pouted again. “Fine. Get ready and stay safe. I’ll settle for a photo when you’re there with her.”

“That I can do,” Artemis said, feeling the discomfort pass immediately.

Damn fairy law.

* * *

Artemis sat on the edge of his bed, sighing. “Holly? Im ready for my makeover,” Artemis said with a soft chuckle, opening his arms, as if he was throwing in the towel.

Holly shimmered into existence, followed by a pop.

N’1 stood next to her, sheepish. Both were in brightly colored clothing, Holly’s tunic sewn with iridescent scales that shimmered in the light, and N’1 slathered with swirls of white paint on his face, hands and tail. Had Artemis ever seen Holly in civilian clothing before? Was this normal for her or just the equinox talking?

“Not that I mind, mind you, but why is N’1 joining us?”

The imp smiled, and his side eyelids blinked, reminding Artemis of a crocodile. If crocodiles liked Shakespeare and trashy romance novels. “Well, once they realized you were a fairy, you’d have to be allowed to perform the Ritual. Quan’s first suggestion was to project the image of a demon around you. We are the only Family that is typically your height.”

Artemis nodded. “Yes, at a meter and a half on average, my height would not seem out of place.”

“True. But non- warlocks have just gone up to party. They aren’t allowed near the tree to get an acorn. There’s no point. And there’s only two warlock demons alive.”

“Yourself and Quan, yes, I see the issue. Me appearing as a demon warlock might raise even more surprise than even a human crashing the party.”

“Precisely- oh, that’s a pretty word. Rolls right off the tongue in English, doesn’t it?”

“So, what then? I’m to be a giant elf? Can elves even get this tall, Holly?”

“Yes, but it’s so rare most of them are famous crunchball players. Same problem as being a ‘demon warlock’.”

“Cam-foil?” Artemis asked curiously.

“Runes,” N’1 replied, grinning. “We shrink you to two thirds your size. Temporarily, of course. It’s a lot easier and more stable then a full transfiguration.”

“Shrink… me…” Artemis said, looking between them. “You’re going to…”

Before Artemis could think, N’1 slapped something on his left wrist. Artemis felt a momentary unease, before he heard a loud thunk-thunk.

His polished loafers fell off his feet and to the floor, as he was swallowed up by his suit.

Artemis sputtered and wriggled up to catch air. “You could have warned me, you know,” he deadpanned. “You know I love having magic thrown on me with no sign whatsoever.”

“I’ll step outside and N’1 can help you change. Let me know when you’re dressed,” Holly said, her voice cracking from laughing. She flitted out the bedroom window on her dragonfly wings and was gone, cackling loudly as she exited.

“If I had warned you, you would likely have panicked. And that would have hurt,” N’1 added, gesturing to Artemis. “No pain, yes? You are sparking a little around your face.”

“Migraine,” Artemis clarified, wriggling free of most of his clothing while using a hand to keep his boxers over his personal parts, sliding off the bed.

N’1 nodded sagely. “I will turn away. If you need help, please ask.”

Artemis dug through the bag of clothing at the foot of the bed, picking up each piece and considering. Not wanting to keep Holly waiting, he pulled out the first of three ensembles he’d asked for, finding it chosen in his new size.

Four. He’d gone from a fairy eight to a four. Average.

“Does everything fit?” N’1 asked over his shoulder. “I can adjust your height a little if you need me to.”

“No, I think all is well,” Artemis replied, still a bit dumbstruck but not enough to make it apparent. Quickly, he slid on what he assumed was an undergarment before trying and failing to fumble with the complicated set of interlocking belts of the tunic he’d chosen.

“I yield,” Artemis finally admitted. “These things do not make an iota of sense.”

N’1 turned around. “Iota! A lovely sounding word in Gnomish and English alike. Eye. Oh. Ta. And my, your problem is that your shirt’s on backwards.”

* * *

Fifteen minutes and one thoroughly humbled Artemis later, and Holly was called back in his room. He was in a pair of charcoal colored slacks and sharp, jet black shoes, things he wouldn’t see out of place in his own normal wardrobe. However, his top was another story. He wore a long sleeved top, also black, layered with a loose bluish iridescent tunic that stopped halfway up his thigh, decorated with crisscrossing braided glowing belts, covered with something he considered halfway between a cloak and a floor length flowing vest, and a long light scarf, both in that it was of a thin fall material in hummingbird green hues and that there was strands of lit threads sewn in an intricate geometric pattern adorning its length.

Holly looked conflicted for a moment, before straightening to all business. She clapped her hands, as if to shake herself out of a stupor. “Right. Let’s finish this and get out.”

“Ah, I was going to practice teleporting myself there, so I might go on ahead,” N’1 piped up, handing Artemis a slip of paper. “Here’s the rune. When you’re back home later, take off everything and then rip this up, and you’ll be back to your own size in a snap. I wouldn’t do it while still in fairy clothes, unless you want to tear them all to shreds or worse.”

“Or worse?”

“Kevlar chest worse,” Holly piped in. Artemis soured, thinking of Butler. Quickly, he shuffled to his attached bathroom and rolled the rune paper up, sticking it in a clear container of cotton balls. That way he wouldn’t accidentally lose it during the nights events, especially if he’d need to change at home, anyway.

Things didn’t feel giant, per se, he was still roughly a meter in height, but everything felt skewed. Although his own body was identically proportioned, still, he felt like a child navigating a too big home.

Holly had him sit on the ottoman of his plush lounge chair in the back corner, and began to unpack a bag of theatrical makeup.

“Sit still, eyes closed, don’t fidget, I’m doing your prosthetics first.”

“Since when were you a qualified makeup artist?” Artemis asked incredulously as he complied.

“Recon training. We have to-very rarely- blend in with humans. All of us know how to make ourselves look like children if we’re elves, goblins, pixies, or gnomes. The other families can’t really hide themselves like that. And don’t nod.”

Artemis felt something ice cold on his earlobe, followed by a dull pressure and what he assumed was Holly’s thumb and index finger pressing down and holding the prosthetic ear tip in place until the glue hardened. After a few moments, she released.

“Artemis? Are you done yet?” Butler, at the door.

“No, but I am decent,” Artemis replied, to Holly flicking his neck. “If you want to come in and laugh at my expense, now is the time.”

Artemis heard the door open, softly, as his bodyguard padded in the room, shutting the door behind him.

“Artemis where- oh hello N’1,” Butler said cordially. And then he was silent.

“No,” Butler said drawn out as Artemis felt the cold adhesive being applied to his other ear. “I’ve seen many things in my life, but this is the first that’s absolutely unbelievable.”

“Allo Butler,” Artemis chirped through closed mouth, afraid of the repercussions of him moving his face while Holly had glue on it.

He felt her fingers pinch again waiting for the ear tip to set.

“If I weren’t watching you work right now, I don’t think I could have picked Artemis from a crowd,” Butler said with awe, but, strangely, no laughter. “I’d ask how you’re doing, Artemis,, but I think Holly would slap me.”

“Frond as my witness, I would,” Holly replied, as Artemis felt something press just above his eye. She’d said **_prosthetics_** , not ears or ear tips.

Artemis gave up thinking about what he thought he’d look like when done and just resigned himself to meditation.

Surprisingly, Holly worked quickly, and in fifteen minutes she nudged him. “I should turn you into an elf more often. That’s the most silence I’ve heard from you in years.”

“Har har,” Artemis joked back, a little upset that whatever she’d done to his hair was over so quickly. It felt nice, and his migraine had lessened considerably.

Carefully, he blinked, and turned his neck from side to side. “Well, Fern Short is going to see what he looks like,” Artemis said slowly.

“Fern Short?”

“Your extremely irritating introvert  programmer cousin. Emphasis on ** _irritating_** ,” Artemis said with a wicked grin. The kind he plotted by.

“You’re not posing as my cousin,” Holly replied in horror.

“Unless there’s some biological reason I shouldn’t, I am.”

“No, I actually have a fairly large extended family but…”

Artemis was now in front of the full length mirror, and he had to stifle a gasp. That wasn’t him in his reflection, but an honest-to-Frond fairy elf. A meter tall, but the proportions of a teenage human, sharp pointed ears and spiky neon-blue tipped hair.

“My eyebrows!” he yelped, touching the smooth skin where they should have been. Holly hadn’t plucked them out… had she? He didn’t feel any sensation like that.

“Latex,” Holly sighed out. “Most males have been removing their brows recently. Some weird fashion thing.”

 ** _That_** was the sticky thing he felt her apply above his eye. Just some fairy plasters, in his skin tone.

“One last thing, face me.” Holly said. She was holding a contact lens case. “It’s more a precaution. It’s a fineable offense to jail time to mesmerize another fairy except in certain situations.”

“Like?” Artemis asked, gingerly taking the case. The lenses were mirror-lined, and colored his irises green when he put them on, covering his heterochromia.

“Medical warlocks calming down a thrashing patient, or someone willingly requesting hypnosis therapy. Basically, medical use,” Holly supplied. “Butler, though, you need your lenses. If the cam-foil fails expect several thousand fairies trying to mesmerize you at once.”

“Already on,” Butler replied, tapping his temple. “No offense, I hope.”

“None taken,” Holly said, smiling. “Okay, N’1, you said you’re teleporting, right?”

N’1 modded. “I would have left earlier but that was fascinating to watch. I don’t think I would have recognized Artemis if I’d teleported.” He bowed, and with a cracking sound of the air rushing in to take the place of where he’d been a moment before, N’1 was gone.

Holly nodded at the space where N’1 had just occupied. “I’m flying. Am I taking Artemis?”

“No, he’s driving with me,” Butler insisted. “You promised he wouldn’t be out of my sight.”

“Ish,” Artemis replied, still fascinated by his reflection in the mirror- it wasn’t **_him_** , but it **_was_** and it felt strange. At first he treated it like a costume, of sorts, but when he was fully kitted out it just felt… right, somehow, lack of suit be damned. “I’ll have to be wrapped in your cam-foil cloak, I don’t want to show up on traffic light cameras.”

“As long as I can keep a conversation with you, that counts.” Butler said gruffly.

Artemis considered he could just put his fairy communicator on speaker and hide it in the backseat while he went flying with Holly, but for this first time he’d follow orders. Orders from Butler in Fowl Manor didn’t have the same effect as the ones from the rest of his family, and Artemis was actually a little sad about that. Only a little though, because disobeying the order given from someone who owned a human dwelling was **_not_** a fun feeling.

Butler passed him the crinkly sort-of fabric, and Artemis bunched it around himself.

“Maybe after you’ve topped off I can teach you to shield,” Holly said gently, before she disappeared from view herself, the window unlatching before Artemis felt a stiff breeze and the window shut behind.

Holly was off.

Butler unceremoniously lifted and slung Artemis on a shoulder, making his way out the back to go start up one of the family vehicles.

Of course his father had to stop them. Or Butler, because Artemis was rolled in the foil like a burrito. He could see out between the circuitry, but he was facing backwards.

“Butler!” Artemis Sr. said sharply, but warmly.

“Yes, sir?”

“Give Artemis a hair of distance, will you? His girlfriend isn’t going to stay one for long if you loom.”

“Of course, sir,” Butler said with a chuckle. “Lord knows he doesn’t need any more handicaps on his love life.” Artemis- the fairy clinging to Butler’s even more massive than usual shoulder- snorted quietly.

“Where is he?”

“Already in the garage, sir, I think he’s a little embarrassed to be seen in anything other than a suit.”

“Take photos,” Artemis senior said with a grin. “She must be some girl to get him out of his shell.”

“Holly? You have no idea, Master Fowl,” Butler said, then turned around, Artemis catching a quick glimpse of his father chuckling from his slung position on Butler’s shoulder.

“One more thing, Butler. Artemis looked like he was… I can’t believe I’m saying this- I think he was sparking at dinner.”

“That would be the augmented contacts he is working on, sir,” Butler said nonchalantly. “They still need some work.”

“Nothing illicit I hope?” his father asked, stern undertones.

“If by illicit you mean the ability to translate what you see into your own language, then yes,” Butler replied.

Artemis the small let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “Thank you for the cover, old friend.” he whispered quietly right in Butler’s ear.

His father took the bait. “Well, off you go. That drive is an hour, wouldn’t want to be late now, would he?”

Artemis almost felt his father looking right at him but- no. That wasn’t possible. He was under the foil and it was definitely working and would his father even recognize him like this- a one-meter blue haired elf?

“No, sir,” Butler replied curtly, and stride down the hall.

* * *

“The cam-foil, it is working, correct?” Artemis asked once they’d cleared the estate and were out on the road.

“Unless you’re actually flying with Holly and I’m speaking to your communicator, yes it is working,” Butler said slyly. “Though I can see my passenger seat is buckled up with an invisible bulge, Artemis at your height you really ought to be in the backseat. If the airbags deploy you could get…” butler trailed off. “A chance to practice your healing, I suppose.”

“I happen to be running on empty,” Artemis replied sullenly. He could barely see over the dashboard and the seatbelt was choking him at his height.

“I can’t believe what you look like,” Butler said, after a long bout of silence.

“Neither can I, old friend,” Artemis replied quietly. “I thought suits were the only thing that well… suited me. I could do without the electroluminescent belts on this thing, however…”

Artemis inhales sharply.

“N’1 was there because he shrunk you, I presume?” Butler asked, changing topics slightly.

Artemis nodded, then realized that wouldn’t help. “I have a rune on my wrist. It is temporary.”

“You think you can do this yourself, Artemis?” Butler asked, curiously.

“Your guess is as good as mine, it seems,” Artemis replied, thinking. “I can mesmer and heal. I haven’t even attempted to shield yet. I suppose it depends on what I’m like ‘running hot’, as Holly calls it. I could just have those three skills, or I could be a warlock. If it’s the latter, I’m sure I could learn something a bit more advanced.”

“You can… wait. You can mesmer?” Butler sounded surprised. “Which means you’ve tried it. On someone.”

“Have you noticed that my parents never mention my heterochromia?” Artemis replied.

Butler sighed, ragged. “You’re going to have to come clean, Artemis. At least to your father. I can tell you the man can keep a secret. Better to do it now than get caught later, or worse, have to mind-wipe your own parents.”

Artemis bit his lower lip. “I have to get used to this first.”

“You’re bound by fairy rules, aren’t you?” Butler asked suddenly. “I’ve seen how you react to entering people’s homes without being explicitly asked inside.

“Astute of you, Butler.”

“You aren’t uncomfortable now?”

“Why would I be, this is my fathers car, isn’t it? And you brought me inside, anyway. Like when I.. when I kidnapped Holly. Carrying in a fairy is an invitation.” Artemis’s mouth went dry on those words.

“Who owns the title and insurance on this car?”

Artemis went white. It couldn’t be.

“Artemis, the car is legally mine. You’re in a human dwelling, and you have to follow orders. When we get back home, you will be speaking with one of your parents about this.”

“Butler, please!” Artemis pleaded. “This is blackmail!”

Butler shrugged. “It’s about time you got a taste of your own medicine.”

Artemis scowled under the foil, but a small part of him was also impressed. “Fine, you’ve beaten me. But do me a favor and give me a concrete punishment should I fail. You know in the olden days when Frond’s hex was stronger, failure to comply killed a fairy.”

“I don’t need to give you a punishment, a severe stomach bug should be debilitating enough,” Butler replied, with a grin. “And I have a feeling if I did, you’d have some loophole to exploit.”

“Fine, but we are doing it on my terms.”

“Depends on the terms,” Butler pushed back. “Tell me now and I’ll agree or not to your specific plan. If I say no, it’s on **_my_** terms or you’ll end up with a stomachache so poor you’ll be on an IV diet until you come clean to them.”

Artemis felt cornered. Scowling almost hard enough to pop the fairy plasters on his face, he began to think.

“Fine. Here is how I wish to do this…”

* * *

Butler pulled up the car to outdoor parking. “Artemis, wait.”

Artemis panicked, and snapped his hand away from the car door. “Those words carry a little more weight now, old friend. Please be mindful of what you ask of me.”

“Suggestions don’t have to be followed, only orders, correct?”

“Yes.”

“Would you mind taking off the foil so I can talk with you?”

“I don’t mind at all,” Artemis said warmly, unbuckling the irritating seatbelt and unwrapping the burrito. Butler angled the sun chase on the passenger side down so Artemis could look at himself in the mirror.

“Please tell me how you’re feeling. Be honest,” Butler asked sternly, before quickly adding, “if you wouldn’t mind.”

“Strange, nervous, hopeful, still deeply sore at the temples, and hungry enough to challenge Mulch to an eating contest.”

“Artemis, I am going to give you one more order before you leave this car.”

“Stay close to Holly, and don’t make a scene?” Artemis asked, eyebrow raised, though Butler wouldn’t see under the makeup.

“Have **_fun_** , Artemis. I’ll be watching for your safety, you go and try and do something enjoyable for once.”

“Can I open the door now?” Artemis asked, mollified. The getup was growing on him but now he was being ordered to have fun from a human dwelling.

‘Have fun or suffer the consequences’ he thought sullenly.

“Yes. And oh- this is only a big if you can- get me some food while you’re there. I wouldn’t say no to trying new cuisine, as long as eating fairy food isn’t going to make me bound as a changeling or something.”

Artemis smiled and nodded. “If I can,” he echoed, then let himself out of the luxury car.

* * *

Holly buzzed down next to Artemis, then watched the driver’s seat door open on its own and close quietly.

“Butler,” she said pleasantly. “Hope it was a nice ride.”

“Nice enough,” said the air, in Butler’s baritone. “I’ll be at the spot I mentioned. You two know the signal if you need me to break up a party.”

“And you know the signal to not come even if it looks like you should,” Holly replied sternly. “Artemis’s first Ritual might hurt. I want our warlocks there first, there’s not much you can do if he gets magical overstimulation.”

Artemis could swear he saw Butler gritting his teeth.

“I am aware.” the air finally replied. “Just don’t push it.”

Holly grabbed Artemis’s wrist, pulling the long sleeved shirt back to expose the rune. “Keep that hidden. Most fairies only think of runes as things for making thralls and black magic. If someone sees that, you might get the LEP pulled in.”

Artemis frowned. “Any plasters on you?” he asked.

“Touché,” Holly replied, slamming on a fairy bandage. The plaster conformed to Artemis’s skin color… and then replicated the rune.

“Really,” he deadpanned. “There goes that.”

“Just don’t roll up your sleeves,” Holly chided. “I’ll tell N’1 to put it somewhere else next time. Can’t change it now.”

Artemis peeled off the useless cover and rolled his sleeve back over the offending circle.

“Very well. Maybe I could pass it off as an ironic tattoo?”

“Given that it isn’t blood, that’s what I’d suggest if it is spotted,” Holly said thoughtfully. “Come on, I’ll fly you the rest of the way in. Just pretend you’re out of magic to shield- I’ll do my best to shield us both but I don’t know if I can.”

And with that, Holly hooked her arms under his, and lifted them both clean in the air on her dragonfly wings.

“You’re good, Holly,” Butler said quietly, when she, with Artemis hanging on for dear life, shimmered from view.

“Perfume?” Artemis asked, confused by a face full of something floral.

“It’s a night out, Artemis, yes I’m wearing perfume,” Holly said, in mock irritation.

“Fern,” he corrected. “Or you might make a mistake later.”

“Point taken, **_Cousin Fern_**.”

“Are we early?” Artemis asked, as Holly circled one of the hills. “It’s pouring, too.”

Artemis looked down. The hills looked soaked.

“That’s just to keep the humans away. It’s only an illusion. Hope Butler has his modified LEP helmet with him or all he’s going to see is a muddy field.”

Artemis let out a chuckle. “Yes, he figured there must be some way the fairies haven’t been spotted at a tourist site.

“I’m circling because there’s a landing order for flying fairies. There’s still six in front of us. You’re not slipping, are you?”

“No, I’ve gotten used to flying with you. Are the wings LEP issue only or can a civ-”

“Hold that thought, I have permission to land,” Holly said, as she dipped low.

Artemis knew now the rain was just for show, but as Holly dipped into the illusion, he could only stare in shock. In a moment’s swoop, it went from dark rainy field to a bright, inviting carnival. Holly landed on a designated glowing platform, unshielding and carefully depositing Artemis next to her.

“Off, off,” said an officer in LEP uniform. “I have to land two hundred fairies in an hour here,” he chided.

Holly grabbed Artemis’s wrist and briskly walked them both off the landing platform. Artemis turned his head to watch the next fairy, a gnome, land elegantly as she unshielded, waved at the officers and quickly got off the marked area for yet another to touch down.

“Talk about getting this down to a science,” Artemis commented. And now, now he could really look on the scene in awe. Lights- some a soft gold and most as black light, floated lazily over the whole grassy area. Food vendors, carnival games, and strands of colored ribbon were everywhere, many emblazoned with colorful fall leaves. Some smaller fairies- Artemis couldn’t tell if they were elf children or adult pixies- were playing a game hovering on low-speed gossamer wings.

“To answer your question, yes, civilians can buy and own wings,” Holly said, sweeping to the fairies Artemis was watching. “But they’re much lower power. The equivalent is that you can own a Cessna, but I don’t think you have access to supersonic military jets.”

Artemis warmed at the thought.

“You need a wing license first, though, except for things like those. For children. They’re the… tricycles of the wing world. I don’t think they can go more than a meter off the ground.”

Artemis frowned. He’d figure that bit out another day, already mentally salivating over his own pair of wings.

He didn’t even realize it, but then it hit him like a ton of bricks.

His headache was gone.

* * *

“Holly, there’s one thing I’m confused about.” Artemis darted his eyes around the fairgrounds. He saw circles of clover and flowers with floating lights and fairies dancing wildly inside, smelled the food, heard carnival barkers and laughter and chatter of thousands of fairies of all stripes, and saw giant natural sculptures of precious metals mixed with wood and hemp rope.

“There’s no music.”

“Of course not, Aaaaa-Fern,” Holly said, catching herself. “How would anyone be able to talk and catch up? You can only hear it if you step in a circle. Look at the flowers set up around the edge; that’ll tell you the genre. Or you can look at what people are wearing. Most don’t hop from techno to jazz. Just don’t enter the ones with white lilies- those are private parties.”

She shrugged like it was the most normal thing in the world. For once, she wasn’t the dumbest person in the room, a hard feat when she spent so much time with Foaly and Artemis.

“I read about silent discotecs before.”

“Nobody says **_discotec_** , Fern,” Holly said, laughing at him. “Do you want to do anything first, or take care of the Ritual?”

“Let me just get it over with,” Artemis said, curtly. “Business before pleasure.”

Holly made an exaggerated show of annoyance. “Of course you’d say that. Come on, let’s get us running hot. Tree is this way.”

Holly folded up her wings, but didn’t take them off, and expertly dances through the crowds, Artemis barely able to keep pace.

“Holly, I can’t part a crowd like you,” Artemis panted loudly. A tall elf with dark skin and pink streaks in his hair, in a glowing ruffly getup Artemis could only describe as “raver steampunk pirate” turned to face Artemis.

Commander Kelp, in civilians’ clothing.

‘Artemis?’ Kelp mouthed at him. The once-human nodded just so and reveled in the pleasure of the Commander’s eyes bugging from their sockets.

Artemis bunched up his cloak in a hand and let it billow past him as he strode by the Commander and what he assumed was Trouble’s friends or family with a smirk on his face.

“Ohhhhhh no, no you don’t, mudboy,” Trouble hissed as Artemis gallivanted towards Holly, who was barely containing her laughter.

“Mudboy?” Artemis hissed back. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m an **_elf_** , last I checked. Just got a clean bill of health from my doctor, too,” he added with poison in his voice. “ ** _Commander Kelp_**.”

Artemis swore he heard Trouble growl.

“I’m following you,” the commander insisted.

“Here comes Trouble!” Artemis shouted loudly at Holly as he caught up to her next to a spider burger stall that had a wait fifty fairies deep. He was just glad the pun worked just as well in Gnomish as it did in his own head in English.

“Commander,” Holly said simply as the fuming elf followed.

“Transfiguration, now?” Trouble hissed at Holly. “You didn’t get approval for that.”

Holly mimed rolling up her sleeve and Artemis took the hint, discreetly showing Trouble his rune.

“A blood rune to shrink him?” Trouble asked, after a moment of studying it. “Either that or it causes uncontrollable gas. I’m fuzzy on these.”

“Shrink yes, blood no. It’s soy sauce, the rest is just makeup,” Holly commented, tapping Artemis’s ear tip as he took his hand back.

Artemis mouthed ‘soy sauce?!’ at Holly as she continued. “N’1 is being trained on runes now. Unlike the other seven families, demons don’t have a taboo on runic use, and most of their unique magic is rune based. The council just had them find an alternate to blood. Turns out, soy sauce is equally effective. Quan thinks it’s the salt content.”

“If he causes any trouble…” Trouble said sighing.

“I’m bound by fairy law, I **_am_** aware,” Artemis said simply. “And while we are here, I’m Fern.”

“My cousin,” Holly added. “One of Foaly’s civilian programmers on his staff.”

Trouble huffed, but relaxed. “ ** _Cousin_**. Fine. Go enjoy yourself, Short and…”

“Short. Cousins on her father’s side,” Artemis supplied, with a sharp grin. In reality, fairy bloodlines were an insanely old and complex thing. He didn’t want to pick a last name and be called out on it by a real member of said family.

“Fine,” Trouble repeated, calming down completely. “Oh,” he added. “ ** _Fern_** , I owe you dinner. I don’t like being in debt to people. When you’ve topped off come find me for it?”

Artemis stuck his hand out. “Consider it done, Commander.”

Trouble turned heel and walked back to his own group, while Holly placed a hand on Artemis’s back.

“Given your lack of social skills,” she started.

“That was his version of a thank you,” Artemis finished. “Even I’m not that obtuse.”

“And am apology.”

* * *

Artemis looked up.

And up.

And up a bit more.

The tree was massive by human standards, and old, but at three-fifths his normal height it felt like a skyscraper.

Six lines cordoned off by ropes wound their way around the massive tree, but not by species.

“This could be at least two hours,” Holly noted. “Do you want to do this the way you’re supposed to or do you want to cut the line?”

“Did you even need to ask?” Artemis deadpanned.

Holly grabbed Artemis by the wrist. “Wait. You don’t have ID, do you?”

“I have a passport- well Butler has my passport- but I don’t think that’s going to help here.”

“No. Hang on, let me grab my boss. Wait here.”

Holly slipped back among the crowds, leaving Artemis alone to people watch.

A small gaggle of women in slinky prismatic dresses, and one in a kimono with a Tolkien like cloak noticed his gaze, giggling when their eyes met. Two of the girls elbowed a third, and a blonde elf with blue streaks in her hair and Celtic face paints stepped forward.

“Hi,” she said shyly. “You’re… um, I’m terrible at this.”

“You wanted to ask me if I’m single?” Artemis said bluntly.

The woman looked flustered, playing with the ends of her hair. “I’ll.. take it as a no,” she said fading, stepping backwards.

“Holly is my cousin,” Artemis assured her, gesturing the way that Holly had fled to. “And while the answer is yes, I am single, I’m not currently looking.” Hopefully that nipped that in the bud.

“Oh,” she mouthed slowly. “S-sorry to waste your time.”

“Are those friends of yours putting you up to this?” Artemis hissed at her.

The elf looked down and away. Bingo. But then she did something to surprise Artemis, as her nervous demeanor literally peeled away. “Huh. The first guy of the night doesn’t even take the bait.”

* * *

Crap.

Artemis hadn’t even done the Ritual yet and here he was, a mock defensive position, alone, and a hair away from signaling to Butler.

“Whoa, what?” the woman hissed, seeing Artemis attempt a fighting stance. He knew just about anyone would flatten him, but that was only if they knew he was bluffing. “You really don’t recognize me, do you?”

Artemis softened a little. “Should I?”

The woman blinked, taken aback, just as Holly and Trouble jogged over to see Artemis in a poor excuse of a fighting pose and a confused looking woman.

“There had better be a good explanation for this,” Trouble snapped.

“I should go,” the woman said, quickly, attempting to retreat to the rest of her own gaggle of revelers. Holly caught her wrist.

“My cousin has a pretty good intuition. What did you do?”

Artemis relaxed and stood upright. “She acted nervous, asked me out, and when I turned her down she melted from a scardey-cat to a completely different person. I thought she was cornering me to mug me.”

“I… ** _what_**.” The woman looked shocked. “Oh. I guess it could have been taken that way.”

Trouble blinked, surprised that Artemis’s stance wasn’t just to stir up nonsense. He rubbed his temples and sighed. “I may be off the clock, but now I’ll have to file an incident report.”

“Please, no, you’ll blow my cover,” the elf whimpered, looking back to the group she should have been in.

They were gone.

The woman sighed. “I’m Fennel,” she explained, as if that meant something.

“I knew it,” Holly hissed- clearly it did, to everyone except Artemis.

“ID?” Trouble asked, and it was quietly provided. He signed again, louder this time. “Some stunt for a show?”

“My agent wanted me to come incognito and take men dancing,” Fennel shrugged. Artemis quickly surmised that the woman must be a famous actress in disguise practicing for a role, and those other women were film crew. Artemis quietly re-spiked his hair. ‘I’m fine, Butler’, it said, though hopefully Butler was following along with the event.

Holly shrugged. “Go find your people, and be a little more careful next time. Some of us are plainclothes LEP, you know.”

“Sorry for making a scene, Miss Fennel,” Artemis said apologetically. “You have no idea the night I’ve been though already. My wallet’s been swiped.” He smiled, and turned out his pockets. “Not a gold coin on me, or my ID.” The last point was aimed squarely at Trouble, who glared at Artemis over the paperwork remark.

“You poor thing! Wrong place, wrong time, indeed.”

“I’m going to go on a limb and say that’s the name of your next film, isn’t it?”

Fennel blushed. “Might be,” she said coyly. “If you want me to get you some dinner in apology…”

“You have dances to do, and I need to top off,” Artemis replied, jabbing his thumb towards the tree. “As my friend so eloquently puts it, I’m ‘running on fumes’.”

Fennel smiled. “Can I at least get your name?”

“Fern. Short.”

“Well, Fern, if you change your mind, call me.” Fennel slipped a piece of cardstock in Artemis’s hands, then disappeared to the crowd.

Trouble gaped at Artemis.

“I think you just got Fennel Spring’s number,” he sputtered. “You… turned down dinner… with Fennel Spring…”

“Yes, because a certain LEP officer already says he owes me,” Artemis beamed.

Trouble blinked twice. “You turned down dinner with Fennel Spring because I owe you.”

“Aaaa… Fern, she’s one of the most famous actresses of all time.”

“And she asked me on a date, yes, yes, exciting, please let’s get this over with because I need dinner,” Artemis huffed.

Holly and Trouble exchanged glances, pulled their LEP IDs from their pockets with one hand, and grabbed Artemis between them with their opposing free hands.

“I hate abusing my position for this,” Trouble muttered, as they flashed their badges to the attendant who opened a space in the rope line for them to jump straight to the tree.

* * *

“I have to climb this.” Artemis gaped.

“Yes.” Trouble said, grinning.

“Myself.”

“If I take down an acorn, and you plant it, nothing happens.”

Artemis frowned. Some fairies, like the sprites on their own power and elves and pixies with robotic wings, simply few up and plucked one, before flitting off to plant it. Most dwarves simply scaled the damn tree like they were rock climbing.

“Trouble, don’t be an ass,” Holly said, unfurling her wings. “Fern, I can carry you up, as long as you pull off an acorn you can get assistance to get it.”

“ ** _Please_** ,” he insisted, relieved he’d be exempt from physical activity.

He gratefully accepted being shot up in the air, as Holly searched for a good spot.

“It’s common courtesy for flyers to go to the very top of the tree, so that those who climb it can get a lower hanging seed,” she explained, as the world fell away from them.

“Got one,” Artemis said through gritted teeth.

“Put it in your pocket, then hang on tight. I have to let go of you to pick one for me.”

Artemis complied, and Holly let go of Artemis. For a tense fifteen seconds, Artemis was airborne only by his own physical strength, gripping his friend.

“If I can’t get my own wings, for the love of my sanity **_please_** make yourself a tandem harness,” Artemis whined while she descended.

“Can do,” Holly grunted, as she gently detached Artemis’s whitened knuckles from her shoulders.

“Solid ground,” Artemis was relieved. Trouble dipped in next to them, folding his own wings behind.

“Let’s get these planted, yeah?” Trouble asked, patting Artemis on the shoulder.

“Why so friendly, all of a sudden?” Artemis blurted as he followed the two of them towards the tree line at the edge of the grassy knolls.

“Because I keep assuming the worst of you, and get soundly corrected, the commander stated, lengthening his stride. Holly pointed downfield.

“My family has been planting over on that side for millennia,” Trouble pouted.

“Butler is there,” Holly countered, pointing to a tree with an extremely sturdy looking branch overhang.

“Of course he is,” Trouble said, exasperated. “F-fffern,” he corrected. “You keep doing everything above board and for the good of the People. You could have exposed us five times over.”

“I’m an asshole, but I’m not heartless,” Artemis countered. “Selfish, certainly, petty like you wouldn’t believe, but I’m not going to do something just for the sake of fucking someone over. Unless they’ve actually done something to me or my friends.”

Trouble glared at him. “I think I owe you more than just dinner.”

“A fairy ID card would be a start,” Artemis replied, smirking. “And a bank account.”

“Really, Fowl?” Trouble hissed.

“I didn’t say with money in it,” Artemis clarified. “I can put in my own ingots, thank you. But I’m sure it requires an identification, a citizenship number of some fashion, and probably an address. None of which I possess, at least none below ground.”

“Point taken,” Trouble said, nodding. “Holly and I will plant first, that way if you have a problem we are running hot and we can get a medical warlock on site.”

Artemis nodded. While the other two dug and said their prayers, Artemis looked back out on the carnival with its floating lights.

“How late does this go?” He asked absently.

“Just before dawn,” Holly said, sparks dancing around her body. “So about four in the morning for the equinox. The winter solstice, though, wow. That’s a whole other story.”

“I can imagine,” Artemis said loudly, looking up. If Butler was above him, he was dead silent.

Holly whistled, and a face floated in view.

“Food?” Butler asked curiously.

“I’m not feeding him, too,” Trouble deadpanned.

“I’ll pay for Butler, Commander,” Holly sighed out. “No, just Artemis’s first Ritual. I figured you wanted to participate. It’s supposed to be a big deal.”

“This is big enough, Holly,” Artemis insisted. “Though if N’1 wanted to join, I would be honored to have him as well.”

The trio heard a loud pop, and a smoking crater, followed by N’1, a bit singed and sheepish.

“Still needs peacock- I mean practice,” N’1 said, shaking his head out “I saw you head this way and called out, but I don’t think you heard me.”

Artemis inhaled, and heard a rustle. Butler was completely invisible again, but a giant strong hand squeezed his shoulder, and most of his back.

“I don’t think Butler should be touching me when I do this, right?” Artemis asked.

“Unfortunately no, not until we know how your body reacts,” Trouble said with a solemn nod. The pressure on Artemis’s back vanished.

Artemis took a deep breath and dug a shallow dent in the dirt with his fingers.

“Here goes nothing, I suppose,” he said, dropping in the acorn.

He exhaled deeply and started muttering the Gnomish prayers quietly.

“You know those are optional,” Holly whispered. Trouble elbowed her gently in the ribs.

“Let him, if he wants,” he said quietly. “Do you want to start from the top?”

Artemis turned, looking back at them. N’1, curious, Holly, smiling gently, and Trouble smirking, with a conspicuous hole between Holly and N’1.

“How about together?” N’1 asked. Artemis nodded.

Five voices started, and said the old Frond prayers in unison. Artemis inhaled deeply, smelling autumn leaves, cut grass, and earth, then covered the acorn, patting down the soil.

Before he could even exhale, Artemis felt it, starting from his fingertips. Blue sparks danced across his now-muddied manicured nails, up his arms, and vented out his mouth and ears, before he started convulsing.

“Is this normal,” Butler snapped.

“For a young fairy, yes,” Trouble said with authority. “Someone hold him so he doesn’t take-”

Trouble didn’t even finish before a set of massive hands materialized into view, pushing Artemis on his back and holding him through the seizure. N’1 reached out a hand for Artemis’s left, and gripped it, blue sparks dancing up into him as well.

“I’m venting the excess,” N’1 explained, as Artemis’s spasms subsided quick as they came. Soon the teen was still, other than occasional wheezing.

“How are you feeling, Artemis?” Butler demanded once his eyes fluttered back open.

“I think that’s what it’s like to grab on to a live cable,” Artemis sputtered. “Though I think I am well. **_Better_** than well. Would you mind letting go?”

Butler released his charge, and his hands disappeared back into the cam-foil cloak.

Artemis shakily stood up, dusting himself off, blinking the stars out of his eyes as magic crackled off his body.

“If you turn out to be a full blown Warlock, Fowl…” Trouble hissed. “I might just have to ask you to consider joining the Force.”

Artemis snickered. “Noted.”

And then his stomach growled.

“Sounds like a troll needs his din-din,” Holly joked, prodding him in the gut, before addressing the air. “I’ll pop back and bring you something.”

Silence, but Artemis saw a tree branch shake despite the utter lack of a breeze.

* * *

“So, Fern, can you dance?”

“I.. no. I’d say I have two left feet but I think that I’d get out salsa’d by Foaly or his wife.”

Trouble and his brother chuckled at that, passing down a plate of nachos around a large communal high-top table. Artemis wasn’t sure what he expected from fairy food, but funnel cakes and deep-fried tofu corn dogs wasn’t it.

“I thought you all were vegan,” Artemis hissed at Holly.

“Mostly **_vegetarian_** , but the shuttle port is under a dairy farm,” she said behind a hand. “We’ve been giving the family good luck for centuries, and they leave out tankards of milk, cream and butter. The cows are well taken care of, so the dairy is used for the full moon festivals. There’s no worry the animals aren’t ill treated, so even the staunchest of vegans will go for the festival cheeses and ice cream.”

Artemis shrugged, and dug in. He was expecting processed crap, and was gladly mistaken. “ ** _That_** is a sharp Irish cheddar,” he remarked aloud. “Compliments to the chef.”

Grub, Trouble’s brother, gestured at another stall behind them. “Ever had poutine, Fern?”

* * *

Artemis surveyed the dairy circles.

‘No white lilies, look at what people are wearing to figure out genres,’ he thought to himself. He passed a circle of mostly goblins and demons silently screaming and fist pumping.

“Metal?” he asked curiously at Holly.

“Stick your head in, silly,” she replied.

Artemis breathed in and broke the shimmer of the silencing spell, blasted by a shredding guitar and guttural screams of rage. He pulled back, into the regular carnival sounds. “My guess was correct,” he said, simply, swallowing a ball of spit. Holly just laughed.

“Your hair’s on end.”

“Where do you normally go?” Artemis asked as they passed two private parties. Artemis notes that both had a lot of what he thought were children.

Holly grinned and shoved her thumb back towards the death metal circle.

“You must be joking,” Artemis deadpanned. “That wasn’t music, that was an assault on my senses.”

“Potato, potato,” she replied. “I can’t stand most classical.”

“I suppose I’ll have to provide you with a cultural education.”

Artemis frowned, scanning the circles.

“Here, I think I know one more your speed,” she said, scanning the field. “There’s always a few teaching dances. Aaaand… there.”

Holly pointed to a circle where fairies were lined up in a long row, couples dancing down the line.

“I think it’s traditional Irish dances this month. Go get yourself a cultural education.”

“Using my words against me, are we?” Artemis asked with a smirk. “Very well.”

Artemis wound his way over to the dance in question, before realizing none of their group was following. Holly was gone, and Trouble and his group were long parted to go listen to a sprite pop singer’s live performance that required special tickets.

Artemis spied a shock of red hair slip back into the metal circle.

“She wasn’t joking,” Artemis mumbled,  as he watched Holly crowd surf, screaming her head off silently on the shoulders of an adult demon woman.

Artemis steeled himself, adjusting his scarf, and shaking out his cloak. “Well, at least if I make a fool of myself nobody I know is watching. **_Almost_** nobody,” he added, glancing back to the tree line.

He stepped inside.

* * *

A small group of fairies in equally plant-tech clothing gathered off to the side. “Here for the next class?” one asked Artemis.

“I suppose I am,” he said with a shrug. “When does it start?”

“They’re every two hours so…” a gnome on his left said, glancing at the chronometer on her wrist. “Fifteen minutes, give or take.”

Artemis nodded, watching the row of fairies finish a reel, to the sounds of a hurdy-gurdy, drums, and fiddle. He’d never really paid much mind to traditional Irish music, and found it funny his first real interaction to be from a culture outside. He likened it to an Italian learning about pasta for the first time by a German pasta master.

Someone tapped his shoulder, and he flipped around.

Fennel and her posse. Just what he needed.

“No luck finding a date?” Artemis asked, teasingly.

“Oh no, I’ve been dancing all night. I just saw you alone and wanted to apologize again. I didn’t mean to startle you so badly before.”

“I don’t get out much,” Artemis shrugged. “I’m usually holed up at home inventing. I’ll equally apologize for such a poor showing. Thank goodness I know quite a few LEP officers or that might have turned out badly.”

“Well, I’m glad you got your magic replenished,” she said.

“How can you-”

“You’re still sparking. Are you sure you’re not a warlock?” she asked playfully.

Artemis looked down at his hands. Fennel was right, flecks of blue continued to bounce around along his fingertips.

“My cousin Holly keeps telling me to get checked. But I’ve never even attempted anything other than healing and the mesmer. Truth be told, I don’t even know how to shield.”

Fennel looked surprised. “You’re practically overflowing and you’ve never shielded?”

“I have not.”

“Be my partner. I’ll teach you, in exchange.”

“You really want that date, don’t you?” Artemis asked with a chuckle. “Don’t tell me your director has been trying to push you on me.”

“Oh, she did, at first. You looked like you never went to a dance before.”

“I haven’t.”

“Well?”

“You’re not taking no for an answer, are you?”

“I will, if you say it.”

Artemis considered his options. He could partner with Fennel, or any of the other fairies lining up for the start of the next lesson.

“Why are you insisting?”

“After you found out who I was, you didn’t change,” she replied honestly. “Usually, people want something.”

“I don’t watch cinema often, so you’re just a person doing a job,” Artemis said honestly. “Yes, I’ll dance with you. But be warned. I -ahem- **_suck._**

* * *

After the seventeenth time stepping on Fennel’s foot, Artemis decided to stop keeping score. Surprisingly, she didn’t seem to mind. Artemis supposed it was because he was treating her like a normal elf, and not some famous fragile flower. He’d miss-step, she’d wince for a moment, and he’d quickly reach out, heal, and they just kept right back up to the thud of the drum and their dwarf teacher’s bellowing commands.

“You do suck,” she said, laughing, as the band adjusted for the next song.

“I did warn you.”

“But every time you step on me, you heal me. I haven’t had a gentlefairy to dance with like this in decades.”

Artemis winced at the age comment.

“You may suck, but you’re improving quickly,” she added, before moving one of his hands to her hip for the next song.

Artemis blushed, and when the drum and fiddle began to thrum, he flung his partner in circles and let out an uncharacteristic whoop.

“Follow the lead of that elf,” the teacher boomed into his mic pointing at Artemis. “You’re dancing under a full moon, people! Have some fun! You don’t need to be Fennel Spring in **_My Summer Valentine_** to enjoy a jig!”

Artemis and Fennel locked eyes.

“Don’t tell me you’re a world class dancer, too,” Artemis whined at her as they spun.

“I might be.”

* * *

Panting, and well past midnight, Artemis and Fennel stepped out of the circle.

“-call on ice cream! Last call!” the loudspeakers boomed once they could hear the regular carnival sounds. “We are down to our last freezer of ice cream, so the line will close in fifteen minutes! Anyone not in line before 1:45 AM local, you’re out of luck!”

Artemis and Fennel looked at each other.

“I’ve heard it’s not to be missed,” Artemis supplied.

“You’ve never had equinox ice cream? Are you **_vegan_**?”

“I did say I didn’t get out much,” Artemis retorted. “The last Ritual was in south Ireland.” He never said it was his own. And technically, hadn’t it been… had it been Russia, the last time he saw Holly bury an acorn?

“Oh you’re one of those people who just buries their acorn and slinks back underground,” Fennel said, gently nudging Artemis in the ribs. “No Fun Fern.”

“I’ve never been keen on social events,” he explained. “I don’t.. **_people_** … well.”

“Given how I met you, I’d agree,” she said smiling.

Artemis felt a hard pressure of wind pressing outward, before a loud pop. N’1 was licking a giant ice cream cone.

“I got one to Butler,” N’1 said excitedly, before registering the woman holding hands with him. “Oh! Ohhhhhh, I am so sorry… Fern, I’ll leave you be.”

He disappeared as quickly as he’d come.

“Butler is a friend of mine,” Artemis explained.

“Isn’t that the name of that human giant that helped with the Bwa’kell rebellion?” Fennel hissed at him. “You know him?”

“You saw I was friends with Recon. I consult for their intelligence team,” Artemis said, hopefully not too quickly.

“No way,” Fennel said, shocked as the two of them slipped into the ice cream line. “Wait… you said Holly earlier. Was that Holly **_Short_**?”

“And I’m Fern Short,” Artemis replied, puffing his chest a little. “Who’s **_fanboying_** now?” he added, mock bite to his tone.

“No wonder you don’t get out much,” she said, nodding. “What.. what are humans like? I guess if you didn’t realize, I played Holly in the movie about her kidnapping.”

“Oh?” Artemis asked, curiously.

“I did get to interview her, but honestly, I really wanted to hear Artemis’s side. Especially since the Council seems to have seriously changed how they feel about him. There had to be something more going on. I can’t see the mud-man hero of the People as someone who was also a petty kidnapper.”

Artemis frowned. For an actress, Fennel seemed very well informed. Judging a book and covers, and all that.

“Sometimes good people do very bad, selfish things,” Artemis finally settled on saying. “And sometimes very bad people learn their actions have consequences.”

“Which one was Artemis?” Fennel asked curiously. “If you could guess, I mean.”

“I’m not sure even he knows the answer to that.”

* * *

“Well, friend of Artemis, it’s been a night,” Fennel said, as the sky finally went from black to grey, a mound of biodegradable corn dog and funnel cake wrappers between them.

“I ought to be heading home,” Artemis said with a nod.

“We can walk to the shuttle port together,” Fennel suggested.

“Oh, no, I didn’t come through Tara. And I will need to get a new ID issued, anyway,” Artemis added hurriedly. “Unless I can find Commander Kelp, I’ll be stuck outside.”

“Seems to me like you need to find that human, Butler,  ** _friend of Artemis_**.”

“Are you insinuating something?” Artemis asked, arms crossed.

“I’m just saying I spend a lot of time changing how I look. And I also spent a lot of time watching the LEP footage of a certain kidnapping event. Shaving your eyebrows, frosting your hair, and wearing colored contacts is hardly a disguise; you haven’t even bothered to adjust your accented Gnomish.”

Artemis bowed his head.

“If it helps, it didn’t actually register until N’1 mentioned Butler,” Fennel added with a smile. “Considering there’s only two demon warlocks on the planet, it’s not hard to connect some dots. Did he transfigure you into an elf?”

Artemis shook his head. “Bringing the demons back out of the pocket dimension did this. I was officially named a fairy last week.”

Fennel looked taken aback. “That wasn’t his magic sparking on you?”

“No, all my own. I wasn’t lying when I said I could heal and mesmer.”

Fennel nodded. “Then I owe you shielding lessons, **_Fern_** , and maybe acting while I’m at it.” she said, pulling on one of Artemis’s ear tips. It stayed glued, and pulled his whole ear with it.

“Hey!” Artemis shrieked, uncharacteristically, massaging his ear when she let go.

“Welcome to the Family,” Fennel said with a smile as she gathered her things. “Maybe I’ll see you at another dance.”

Artemis watched her walk away as the first weak rays of sun rose. He quickly picked up his trash and dumped it in the composting bin, just before a small army of dwarves and demons began to comb the fairgrounds to dismantle everything with insane precision. Artemis lifted his takeaway bag of fairy food for Butler, staring morosely at it that he wasn’t able to take any of the ice cream for the road. His mint cone was divine. 


	3. Truth or Consequences

Holly, Trouble, and N’1 were waiting at the wood’s edge.

“Took **_you_** long enough, loverboy,” Trouble snorted.

“Excuse me, but am I disallowed from partaking in pleasant conversation?” Artemis asked.

“And sharing ice cream, and dancing with the same elf all night?” Holly asked, goading Artemis a little.

“Thanks to N’1 teleporting in front of us and letting me know he’d delivered ice cream to **_Butler_** ,” Artemis replied sharply, emphasizing the name, “little miss ‘I played Holly Short in the kidnapping movie’ **_figured out who I was_**. Hardly the dumb Hollywood type.”

Holly’s mouth made an ‘oh’ shape.

“I don’t think she’ll go around telling people,” he added. “but please, I’m using cover for a reason.”

“Speaking of cover, we three need to take cover before the sun’s up proper,” Trouble said, all business. “I’ll expedite your ID paperwork and send someone for you to get photographed and fingerprinted.”

“In Haven?” Artemis asked, hearing a loud crunch of boots landing on leaves. Butler’s hand was on Artemis’s shoulder.

“Yes, in Haven. And an appointment with a warlock. If you’re going to have magic, you need to learn to use it correctly.”

“I’ll text you when I’m home, Artemis,” Holly said, squeezing his hand.

“Why did you leave me? Earlier, I mean.”

“You need to learn to integrate with us,” she said. “You can’t do that if you’re hanging on to me or another LEP officer.”

“Like the fact that someone was tailing me all night?”

“I was watching too, Artemis,” Butler piped in low.

“Are you trying to integrate me or babysit me?” Artemis asked, squinting in the first rays of sun.

“A little of both,” Trouble said with a wave, as he walked away.

“I’ll be in touch, **_Fern_**.”

* * *

Artemis took the cam-foil from Butler, and wrapped up before hopping in the car.

“You’re clear,” Butler said, as he adjusted Artemis’s seat belt with a clip to prevent it from choking him. “That for me?”

“Yes, old friend. The highest in fairy haute cuisine,” he added, jokingly.

“Honestly, fairy fast food is better than most Michelin restaurants,” Butler commented as he grabbed a handful of nachos and started the car. “So, no upset stomach I see. Which means you had fun.”

“Actually, old friend, I did.”

“You might have been listening to music all night,” Butler continued, as he focused on the road, pulling out a corn dog when he’d hit a red light, “but remember you’re facing it when you get home.”

Artemis frowned, pulling at his ear, feeling the false point. “I am aware, Butler.”

* * *

Butler pulled the vehicle into the Fowl garage, and, once parked, went around to the passenger seat to open the door for his young (and temporarily small) charge. Now that the engine was off, Butler realized he heard… snoring?

Carefully peeling back the cam-foil, Butler saw Artemis, deep asleep, a trickle of drool out of his lolled mouth.

Well, things just got easier for Butler. He carefully unbuckled Artemis’s seatbelt, and easily (gently, so not to wake him) lifted up the too-small teen with just a hand.

Elves were **_so_** small.

Butler gently held the cam-foil burrito on a shoulder and strode inside.

* * *

“Ah! Butler! Everything went well with Artemis and his lady-friend, I hope?” Angeline sat at the breakfast table with her family, enjoying what the two other maids whipped up that morning without him.

“Better than anticipated,” Butler said, smiling. “Surprisingly free from complications. A rare feat for your son, if I say so myself.”

“Is he awake enough to join us for breakfast or did he go straight to crash?” Artemis Sr. enquired.

Butler side eyed the invisible package on his shoulder. “Can one of the maids watch the boys for a few minutes? I don’t mean to interrupt your meal but I do want to show you something before Artemis wakes up.”

“Photos of the night?” Angeline asked. “He never did send me any.”

“There was a massive rainstorm, the signal was terrible,” Butler explained as Artemis’s parents followed him to the sitting room. ‘The fairies meddling, no doubt,’ he added to himself. ‘They must have set up a scrambler.’

“Oh no!” Angeline said, aghast. “Did Artie catch cold?”

“Not… quite.”

Butler closed the sitting room door with his foot, locking it from inside with his elbow. He put Artemis down in a large plush chair and motioned for the Fowl parents to sit facing.

“This will both explain and further complicate things.” Butler insisted, before whipping the cam-foil off a sleeping Artemis like one yanks a tablecloth off a table without disturbing the dishes on top.

“Hmmm?” Artemis muttered. “Butler, have we arrived?”

“Yes,” Butler said, simply. “Do you want to get up?”

Artemis’s eyes fluttered open. “Wait, this isn’t…”

Artemis needed exactly three seconds to assess the situation. He’d fallen asleep on the ride home, Butler carried him inside, and… his parents were staring at him.

And he was still, for all intents and purposes, an elf.

Artemis made a sound halfway between a gurgle and a shriek, bolting for the door.

* * *

Artemis’s new size was an even bigger disadvantage against Butler, who, in two quick strides, thrust his arm out low and plucked Artemis right off the ground, his legs still kicking. Like a cartoon character who continued to run right off a ledge, only stopping when they looked down and saw only sky, Artemis pedaled for a few extra seconds until it finally sank in that he was in a death grip a meter off the polished marble floor.

“Butler!” Artemis the younger fumed. “This is…”

“An outrage, an invasion of my privacy, et cetera,” Butler finished.

Artemis didn’t even try and fight Butler once he realized he was locked in his bodyguard’s arm. There wasn’t any use in struggling.

The Fowls stared at the small creature in shock. Butler stepped forward, holding out Artemis like one would hold a baby that just went in their diaper.

Artemis only glared, then sighed. He wasn’t getting this on his terms (which was, admittedly, ‘find some kind of loophole to get out of ever saying anything at all’.

“You can put me down. Butler. I’ve done enough running.”

“Honestly, I think you could use some **_more_** exer-” Artemis shot him another glare, and Butler realized now wasn’t the time to joke. Carefully, Butler deposited Artemis between his parents.

“No funny business, you hear me?” Butler added as a parting shot, before unlocking the room and excusing himself. “I need to make sure the twins aren’t causing the maids to turn in their letters of resignation.”

Artemis just stared straight ahead, afraid to look at his mother and father, legs straight out and only barely off the edge of the upholstery.

His mother was the first to speak. “Well, that must have been some masquerade party, hmm, Artie?”

* * *

“What… happened to you, son?” Artemis Sr. asked gently. Artemis finally looked up to meet his father’s eyes, seeing something strange. It was the same set of turning gears he’s had when he started recalling the memories the fairies had erased. “And why do I suddenly remember hog-tying up a dwarf in this very room?”

“Please don’t tell me his name was Mulch,” Artemis deadpanned.

It was like a switch went off in his father’s head. “Diggums! Mulch- blasted- Diggums! Came in the middle of the night, trying to steal a painting I think. I was about your age. I tackled the bastard and tied him up with the curtain ropes… why am I just remembering this now?”

Artemis Senior and Junior stared at each other. “They wiped my memory.”

“They wiped your memory.”

Both of them blinked, mouths slightly agape.

“Was it led by some meter tall centaur with tinfoil on his head?” Artemis asked, his mother looking abjectly lost.

“Piebald coloring? Bit of a paunch?” Artemis Sr finished, as he strained to remember, pointing to his own small gut.

“ ** _Foaly_** ,” Artemis II breathed out. “I’m going to sock him between the horns the next time I see him.”

“Son… you’re an… **_elf_**.”

Artemis just breathed out. “Yes, Father. I am an elf.”

Angeline stared at the two men of the household. “Can one of you explain what exactly is going on here?”

* * *

Artemis balanced the teacup on the (currently not so) low table in front of them, a strong English Breakfast blend, while he recounted the last few years of his life to his parents.

Butler had discreetly brought them a tray of breakfast pastries and coffee, as well as a little whisky to loosen up Mrs. Fowl.

“A little for you too, dear?” Angeline had asked both men. “This sounds like it might take a while.”

Artemis II slunk in the sofa. “I can’t take alcohol from humans,” he said quietly. His mother merely smiled and mussed his hair.

“Of course you can’t. Silly me,” she said gently. “My little Artie is all grown down,” she added for good measure.

“I can return to my normal height, Mother,” Artemis insisted. “I’ll just do it when we are finished here.”

“You can’t use magic in front of your mum?”

“It’s not that…” Artemis said embarrassed. “ ** _I_** can change height. Not my clothes.”

“Angel, dear, he’d need to strip first,” Artemis Sr. helpfully supplied, his son slowly sinking into the sofa in embarrassment.

“It’s our job to embarrass you, we’re your **_parents_** ,” Angeline said lightly, as she saw her son try and slip into the crack in the cushions.

“Anyway,” Artemis the smaller breathed out. “So that’s the extent of how both your hysteria was cured, Mother, and Father came back to us. Fairy intervention.”

“That doesn’t explain how you’re a meter tall with green eyes, blue hair, no eyebrows, and pointy ears. Oh, and sparking at the dinner table last night,” Angeline said sternly.

“Some of that is easier to answer than others. The blue was so Butler could spot me easily last night among the crowds. He was too large to actually go to the full moon festival.”

“So the equinox dance?” his father asked.

“Fairy circle. Holly is **_that_** Holly. The elf I kidnapped. We are… let’s say on much better terms now. Helping her put down a terrorist cell might have had something to do with the change of heart.”

“Well, is she your age?” Angeline asked. Artemis turned red.

“Mother! Off topic!”

“So you dyed your hair to make yourself easier to spot. What else?” Artemis Sr. asked.

Artemis reached up and yanked the plasters off his face. “Plucked eyebrows are a **_thing_** right now. So I covered mine. I was trying to be, for lack of a better word, **_normal_**. At least by their standards.”

Next, he found his contact case hidden in a pocket in the cloak, and took his contacts out, showing off the mirrored insides. “So I wouldn’t accidentally cause magical backfire. Eye contact is required for some magic,” he explained vaguely.

His parents looked at his real eyes for the first time- really looked, as Artemis’s mesmer had broken with the fall of the masquerade.

“Your left eye,” Angeline said, confused. “It’s hazel.”

“And this explains the elf part,” Artemis finally expounded. “Also why I went missing… for three years. . Holly and I helped save a city of fairies. But, well…”

He hesitated. “The short version is that I ended up draining a few by accident. Fairies I mean- of their magic. And now I am one myself, thanks to that. The eye is visible proof, but my whole genetic makeup was altered.”

“Artie, you saved an entire **_city_**?”

“When you put it like that…”

Angeline grabbed Artemis around the waist and set him on her lap, wrapping him in a hug. “I haven’t been able to hold you like this in years and… oh Artie. We thought we lost you.”

“I know,” he said quietly into his scarf. “May I go change now?”

“Clothes or height?” his father asked.

* * *

Artemis carefully used the solvent on his ears, following Holly’s instructions. The ear tips finally released with a sickening plop, and Artemis carefully washed them out with soap and water (Butler had thankfully left him a step stool in his bathroom), then rolled them in a towel, shoving them in a drawer. Next, he took off his clothes. His contacts were already out, and he did one final once-over to make sure he wasn’t wearing any watches or rings.

Finally, he extricated the rune from its hiding place and shredded the paper into confetti. Immediately, he felt queasy, dropping to the bathroom floor.

His mouth tasted of soy sauce.

Before he could process what had happened, he was a tangle of limbs on the floor. Woozily, he pulled himself up on the sink. Minus the blue hair, which he’d remedy with a quick hot shower, he was back to his normal, human looking self.

Well, as normal as he could be with heterochromia onset by fairy eye.

* * *

“A suit, Artie?” his mother asked, looking him over when he came back down to the foyer to see his brothers.

“Giiiiirlfriiiiend,” they chanted in unison at him.

Artemis ground his teeth but showed no visible displeasure.

“Yes, a suit,” was all he replied.

“At least wear a colored shirt or tie,” his mother insisted. “Green looked good on you, you know.”

* * *

 

Of course they’d sent N’1 and Holly to pick up Artemis for his identification paperwork, several days later. He’d need to be disguised as an elf, again, and he neither knew runes nor theatrical makeup to make it convincing.

“No cellphones at the table, Artie,” Angeline said sternly, as she heard the noisy vibrations.

“Mother, this is… **ahem** , **_that_** phone, if you catch my meaning. I think my guests have arrived to come fetch me.”

Butler, can you watch the boys?” Angeline asked, to a curt nod from the bodyguard. She, and both Artemises excused themselves from the table.

Artemis II allowed his parents entry to his room, then unlocked the windows on the balcony.

“You can come in, you know. I gave you a balcony key for a reason,” he spoke to the air.

His communicator buzzed in his hand. ‘You’re positive it’s okay to unshield?’ it asked in text.

Artemis replied aloud. “I broke the masquerade to them. Technically Butler, but still.”

Holly shimmered into view, before Artemis felt a gust of wind, and a loud crack as N’1 teleported next to him.

Holly becoming visible only elicited a minor reaction, but the 1.6 meter high demon left Angeline in an audible gasp.

“You’re not just going to stand on the balcony, are you?” Artemis hissed.

“N’1 can’t enter,” Holly insisted. “You only gave blanket permission to him **_after_** you were already a fairy.”

“Then how did…?”

“Butler opening the doors and gesturing us inside was enough, same as letting the doctor inside when we discovered the news. A **_human_** has to let us in a human dwelling, not necessarily the owner.” The insinuation was obvious. Artemis’s permission to come inside meant nothing, now.

“And you have blanket permission from before but…” Artemis said with a nod.

Artemis looked back at his parents, both thoroughly confused. “Artie, can you translate, at least? You don’t need to chat on the balcony, all of you, tell them they’re welcome inside.”

N’1 breathed a sigh of relief and waddled into Artemis’s room. “Humblest of apologies, Madam, I was merely following lead.”

Angeline blinked at N’1’s extremely formal English.

“And are you the Holly we’ve heard so much about?” Angeline asked politely, side eyeing her son to translate for her.

“If it came from Artemis, I’m sure all terrible things,” Holly said, glaring at him and switching to English. “Don’t worry, we’re both fluent.”

“That is a relief, Artemis was often extremely colorful translating French as a child.”

“I can imagine,” Holly said brightly, folding down her wings and taking off her helmet. “Short, and yes, I know there’s several jokes there.”

“Fowl,” Angeline replied, gingerly kneeling to accept the outstretched hand.

“You were conversing in tongues because…” Artemis Sr. started, as he thought aloud. “You need permission to be let inside a human home. From a **_human_**. My son’s word no longer applies.”

Everyone’s necks craned to stare at the older Fowl.

“I don’t know how I remembered that,” Artemis Sr. said thoughtfully. “But I’m right, aren’t I?”

Holly paled. “Yes, sir, that’s true.”

Angeline looked at them both. “Well, you’re always welcome in our home. Is that permission enough?”

“Your son gave me permission several years ago, while he was still human. It was N’1, here,” Holly said, gesturing to the demon sitting cross legged on the floor, “who needed entry. And now he has it too.”

“Number… one?” Angeline asked slowly, before choosing to drop the subject. It was probably a quirk of translation; she assumed Holly was just the plant’s name in whatever language Artemis had been using prior.

“Can I get you two anything? Will you be long?”

“No, we just need to shrink Artemis down a little,” the imp said, smiling, though it looked more like a snarl from his reptilian mouth. “Demons like me are my height, but the rest of the fairy folk are Holly’s size or shorter.”

“D… demon?!” Angeline paled.

“Not the capital-D-demon type, Mother. One of the eight fairy families,” Artemis piped in.

“Along with elves, pixies, sprites, dwarves, goblins, gnomes, and centaurs,” Artemis Sr. supplied before putting a hand to his own confused mouth. “I think I’ll go check on the boys.”

Artemis Sr. strode from the room, worried, and Angeline flinched. “Artie, this has been happening every day since the full moon.”

“I have an inkling of an idea who to blame,” Artemis replied. “And they’ll be where I’m going. Holly, no qualms about me doing a little questioning of a coworker when I’m down there, is there?”

Holly was still transfixed on the door from where Artemis Sr. had exited.

“Which coworker?” she asked absently.

“ ** _Foaly_** ,” he replied sharply. “I need to wring that centaur’s neck until he tells me what he did to my father.”


	4. The Department of Redundancy Department

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! Artemis is a very slow fandom it seems, and I've entered it very late in the game. I got the books only about three months ago and have loved every moment!
> 
> I am legally blind, so typos are a huge issue, as well as formatting. Seeking a beta reader to help clear these up.
> 
> Lastly, please let me know how I'm doing! I love feedback, especially since comedy and Artemis are very out of my element. If you look at my history, I tend to stick to one shots (or anthologies of one shots), having written only one longer story that's not an anthology, and that's for Danganronpa. If you're here wondering when the next Who We Were chapter's coming out, don't worry, I'm working on it too, but I just needed a break from murder. :D
> 
> Last, thank you Fowl Fox for the first review on FF! I post on both FF and on AO3, but I promise to reply in the prefaces for both. :D

“You can come back in, Mother, I am decent.”

Quietly, Angeline creaked Artemis’s bedroom door open. There was his son, about two thirds his height, in polished shoes and slacks, a button down with gold clasps, and a light emerald green cloak.

And pointed ears.

Angeline knelt down to her son’s height. “No blue hair? Green eyes?” she joked.

“I’m going to get proper identification, including a Haven passport,” he replied. “No.”

Angeline brushed her son’s hair aside, looking at his ears. “Some part of me thought you’d just be shorter. **_My son’s a fairy_** ,” she said, more to check her own sanity than address the rest of the room. “I’m assuming Butler isn’t going with you?”

“He’s come down to Haven before,” Holly said. “Though at his height even things made for demons are too small for him.”

Angeline nodded. “You can’t shrink him?”

N’1 looked at Holly. “It’s a rune, it’s safe for humans,” he hissed at her in Gnomish.

“Tell Butler that and he’ll always want to shadow Artemis,” Holly replied.

“Is that a problem?” Artemis asked in English to loop his mother into the conversation.

“Butler, no. Getting your whole family involved, yes. Loose lips sink ships, isn’t that a human saying?”

Angeline looked between her two guests. “Shall I leave you?” she asked. She sounded a little hurt, like she was getting shut out of yet another part of her son’s life.

To be fair to her, she was.

“Look, Holly, Artemis didn’t even have his family present for his first Ritual,” N’1 said in Gnomish.

“We were there. Butler was there.”

“Hiding. Like he didn’t belong.”

“Aurgh!” Holly cried in frustration, before addressing Mrs. Fowl.

“Ma’am, I apologize for keeping you out of what we are saying. Yes, we can shrink humans, safely. However, using most magic willy-nilly on humans has bad long term effects. Not the ‘turn into an elf’ kind, the ‘inoperable cancer’ variety.”

Angeline swallowed hard, understanding.

“Ma’am, we will keep you informed and in the loop where it’s feasible. Please understand when we shut you out it’s not of any dislike of you and yours. Keeping up the masquerade isn’t merely to be a jerk to humans.”

“I’m not offended, Holly,” Angeline said with a light smile. “From what Artie’s told me you’re a good, trustworthy woman.”

“Coming from **_him_** that’s saying something. Can you summon Butler here so we can ask him to accompany? Otherwise, we will be back by tomorrow. We might be done today, but there’s a saying that the only thing slower than fairy bureaucracy is a gnome bureaucrat.”

Angeline smiled genuinely at that. “Some things are the same everywhere. I’ll be back with him.”

“Oh,” N’1 piped out as Angeline went for the door. “Extremely sorry to trouble, but I’ll also need some soy sauce to shrink Butler as well.”

“Soy sauce. Butler. Can do,” Angeline said with a smile. “Lord knows how **_soy sauce magic_** works.”

* * *

 

Butler unsurprisingly demanded to join them, and everyone watched in a circle as N’1 carefully drew out a new rune for the taller man.

Angeline sat on Artemis’s floor with interest, having sicced her twins on their father. It would do the man some good.

Butler changed into a bathrobe, shifting nervously as he looked down at Artemis. “You’re not making me as short as him, are you?”

“Well, I’m not making you demon sized,” N’1 said, absentmindedly as he worked. “1.3 meters acceptable?”

Butler looked at his charge. “Enough.”

N’1 finished the paper rune and blew gently to dry the soy sauce ‘ink’. “Bend down, I’ll put it on your shoulder blade.”

“Where’s yours, Artie?” Angeline asked.

“Foot,” Artemis said simply. “I applied it myself. Next I have to learn to make my own.”

The room rocked from a loud crack as air filled the vacuum where Butler’s body had just occupied. The bathrobe crumpled, and Butler’s head, identical but just over half the size, poked out.

Angeline noted Butler didn’t have elf ears.

Her son did though.

“Think everything’s in place,” he commented gruffly.

“I have extra robes in our shuttle, I’ll be right back,” N’1 commented. “They might be a hair oversized, but Artemis’s clothes won’t fit.”

“Clothes too big for me?” Butler chuckled. “That’s a first.”

* * *

 

“I’ll call you from a secure line when I arrive, Mother, please don’t worry,” Artemis said sternly, as Butler adjusted his demon warlock attire, still unused to the almost dress-like heavy pineapple-top vegan leather robes, the tail-flaps tied shut with silver cord.

“Chop-chop, we’re burning moonlight, boys,” Holly chided. “Put the rune paper somewhere safe. Here, don’t carry it with you.”

“Where’s yours, Artemis?” Butler asked.

“Bathroom drawer, between the hand towels,” he answered in Gnomish. “Sorry Mother, if that paper is damaged we’ve got problems,” he added in English.

“Offense taken, but understood,” she said, mussing Artemis’s sharp black hair. “This had better not take three years, you hear me?”

“I’m just going to the customs office,” Artemis pouted.

“And my demand becomes even more relevant,” Angeline replied.

“Do you have anyone in your family who isn’t a smartass?” Holly asked.

“There’s a feral cat on the grounds,” Artemis replied, after a pause to think.

“Point still stands,” Holly said, opening the sliding window to the balcony. “That tom pissed on my wings last time. On purpose.”

* * *

 

The ride down was calm, and extremely uneventful. Unnervingly so. “Customs office, bank, talk to Foaly, and depending on the time, take you clothes shopping. I have a feeling you’ll be staying overday, either way.”

“That reminds me, what do I owe you for what you’ve already provided?”

“Commander Kelp took care of it,” Holly said, distracted as she dipped the pod through a tunnel, signaling to the switchboard stations. “Bah, we have to wait our turn. LEP vehicle priority.”

Three polished pods flung down the connecting tunnel, while Holly watched her comms board. “Cleared. I can’t remember the last time I’ve had to wait.” Her pod lurched as Holly pushed the throttle back to life, sending them down into Haven.

* * *

“You need a birth certificate, proof of residency, and sixteen points of authenticity based on this chart,” the gnome drolled to Holly. “If you can’t present them to me you need to fill out sections 6a, 9ii, and 13b, and go into that line,” he added, pointing at a line twice as long as the one on which they’d waited.

“Sir, we can’t present them because **_they do not exist_** ,” she said, barely containing her rage.

“Correct, and those forms give us permission to reprint your files from the registry if they’ve been lost, stolen, or destroyed by fire. If you lost said paperwork from a landslide, you need to also fill out form-”

“You don’t understand. **_They never existed_**. Artemis and Butler weren’t born in a fairy hospital,” Holly said through ground teeth. It had already been six hours and they were wasting moonlight.

“Then their dullah or midwife would have processed them, you’ll need form-”

“Sir, there is no paperwork because they were born on. the. surface.”

“Holly, excuse me,” Artemis said politely, touching her arm. She almost slapped him in knee-jerk frustration but slid aside.

“Now good sir. There is absolutely no possible way paperwork for myself and Butler exist. At all. At least not in Gnomish.”

“But your-”

“ ** _This_** is my birth certificate,” Artemis said, slamming down a card. “And I would suggest you read the name both quietly and carefully.”

The elder gnome took the small ragged piece of cardstock in a plastic sleeve, pulled out a pair of glasses, and mouthed the words carefully.

“This isn’t in Gnomish.”

“ ** _Read_** ,” Artemis said, darkly.

A few terse moments of silence followed.

“Let me get my supervisor.”

* * *

 

“Apologies for the confusion, Mister Fowl,” said the sprite in charge of the district branch. He adjusted his wings in a specially made chair with slats for them to rest on while seated. The sprite thumbed through a data pad of documentation. “Anything you do have from the surface will be scanned for the master file. Passports, birth certificates, licenses.”

Artemis handed over his birth certificate, passport, and provisional flight license.

“Small craft?” The sprite asked incredulously.

“Non fairy commercial small aircraft,” Artemis replied with a shrug. “Though I am always interested in picking up new skills. Such as wing flight.”

The sprite nervously shifted his wings in his chair, before remembering that other fairies could buy electronic ones in shops.

“That’s passing a certain number of training hours, by a school or certified instructor, followed by both a written and practical exam,” he said, absentmindedly as he scanned Artemis’s paperwork, signaling to Butler to hand his over when done. “About one to three months, depending on if you have a private tutor versus after-work lessons.”

Artemis narrowed his eyes and smirked at Holly.

* * *

 

Artemis looked at his new ID card. He didn’t realize that holographic literally meant a projection in addition to a flat card with a shining watermark. There was his mildly annoyed mugshot, elf ears and all, in both two and three dimensions.

“Why didn’t you let your mother see you shrink?” Holly asked as they walked to her vehicle for their next stop of the night. “You could have worn a bathrobe like Butler did.”

Artemis just yanked at the ear. “I am trying to keep my human-ness and elf-ness as two separate entities.”

“You’re worried that your mother and father might think you’re faking, and we’re giving you power,” Holly said, looking at him. “Especially now that they’ve seen Butler shrink without sprouting fairy ears.”

“When did you start thinking like me?” Artemis asked, quietly.

“I just thought of the most nit-picky scenario. Nobody is going to triple bluff, except maybe Koboi.”

“My father would,” Artemis replied sourly.

“That reminds me… it almost seemed like he understood our chat on your balcony.”

“Either that, or he at least knew fairy law,” Butler agreed, having been briefed on Artemis Sr. on the ride down to Haven.

Artemis only nodded, deep in thought.

“The short answer is that I want my parents to see this,” he said, yanking on the prosthetic, “as a separate thing from being a human. They’re not supposed to be involved with your world.”

“And you are?” Holly asked, eyebrow raised.

“Perhaps I dragged myself into this,” Artemis admitted.

“So did your farther, from the sounds of it. Now come on, we can’t make Quan wait any longer than he has.”

* * *

 

Quan and the other demons had only been in Haven for a scant three months, but the adult imp’s office in Warlock College already looked extremely lived in. To his credit, he’d scavenged everything he could from Hybras before the city sank, so the ten thousand year old troll skull and bloodletting paraphernalia had probably been arranged in some old office of his ages ago.

Artemis winced at seeing much of the ancient weaponry, and Quan, on a back-less plush office chair noticed. “Just for historical purposes, my friend. You’ve noticed how we handle runic magic now.”

Artemis nodded, relieved.

“N’1 told me your first Ritual went smoothly.”

“If convulsing on the dirt counts.”

Quan nodded eagerly. “That will happen the first few times. Your body is just adjusting to the energy differential.”

He hopped off his chair, looming over Artemis, and slightly above Butler. When Artemis was his usual height, the demons, even their tallest, were sort of pudgy reptiles at best and small armored alligators at worst.

Now he saw them as an elf did and it was genuinely terrifying. If he didn’t know the demons personally he would have needed a spare change of slacks.

“Let me run a few diagnostics first,” Quan said, pleasantly, as he pulled out a kit that looked similar to the doctor’s from two weeks prior. “Take a seat in my chair, this won’t be long.”

* * *

 

Artemis allowed himself to be poked and prodded for a few minutes, to Quan’s gutteral noises.

“What magic have you attempted?” Quan asked.

“Mesmer and healing.”

“Show me.”

“Well it’s not as though I could-” Artemis started, when Quan took a dagger off the rack and nicked his own forearm, grunting.

“Trying not to heal yourself when it’s become an automatic response isn’t easy, Fowl,” he said wincing.

Artemis reached out gingerly and placed his hands on either side of the cut. Blue sparks twinkled from his fingertips, and the flesh pressed back together, what little blood apparent sucked back along with it. Quan shook out his arm, pleased, and wiped off the blade before returning it to the rack.

“And now show me your mesmer.”

“On you?” Artemis asked worriedly.

“Do you see any other willing participants?” Quan asked.

“I’ll do it,” Holly offered.

“This isn’t an exercise in trying to fight a mesmer, Holly. I want to see how easily it comes to him.”

Holly slunk back a little.

“Is it easier to mesmerize a human?” Butler grunted, reaching to remove his contacts.

“Most, yes. You, no, as you know what we are,” Quan said. “Seriously the two of you can stand down. This isn’t a test he can fail, I just need to see what I’m working with.”

Quan pulled up a second chair, and relaxed in it.

“Fowl, I want you to put me to sleep. It won’t be easy, but I’ll make no attempts to fight it.”

Artemis looked a little flush. “Isn’t that illegal? The last thing I need is to have my passport revoked.”

“I’m a willing participant, with multiple witnesses, including a LEP officer. I can tape an affidavit if needed. And I can’t believe ‘isn’t that illegal?’ came from your mouth,” Quan added, matching Artemis’s speech and tone exactly.

Artemis’s mind was turning already how he could use that little trick if he were able.

Holly giggled. “I was thinking it.”

“Not just you,” Butler added.

“Very well, laugh at my expense,” Artemis grumbled as he focused on the mesmer. Being ordered to do it on command with people watching was… disconcerting.

“Quan,” Artemis started, letting his voice slip into a pleasant chorus. “Quan, aren’t you tired? Maybe you should rest your eyes now, just for a momen-”

Artemis didn’t even need to finish his sentence; Quan thunked to the floor then shuddered up.

“I’m okay, I’m okay,” he grunted, pulling himself back up on the stool and looking at a chronometer on his wrist. “That was under ten seconds, Fowl. I may not have been resisting but that’s no small feat.”

He shook his head out, and Artemis watched Quan’s pupils fully clear.

“I’ve watched a few fairies mesmer,” Artemis admitted. “It seems to work better when the order is phrased as a suggestion.”

Quan rolled his eyes, dusting off his robes. “Quite. Give the master manipulator the power behind his words and watch him go, indeed,” he said under his breath. Louder, he added, “Well, you have standard elf abilities, you’ll need to practice shielding on your own. Now I want to test if you’re warlock material. For that, we’ll need to go down to the great hall. Thankfully it’s a new school year… so **_that_** should still be set up…”

Artemis wasn’t sure he wanted to know what “that” was.

* * *

 

“A… high chair?” Butler asked curiously.

“In the more literal sense,” Artemis said, looking up. A sturdy stepladder was set to the side of a two-meter-high chair with very unstable looking legs. Normally, that wouldn’t be so high for Artemis, taller than he but well shorter than his bodyguard, but in his shrunk state it was double his height.

A fall from that wouldn’t likely break bones, but it absolutely would smart, healing or otherwise.

“Is this some simulated panic?” Artemis asked. “Shake the chair and see if something kicks in?”

“Essentially so!” Quan replied, clapping his hands together, and passing Artemis a blindfold. “I’ll levitate you down if you fall off, don’t worry. But the feeling of danger should kick in any extra powers you have. The fraternities use it as a sort of hazing ritual, but it works wonders for checking innate powers as well.”

“Just so long as they cleaned it after its last use,” Artemis blanched.

Quan passed him a blindfold. “Up the ladder, sit, then put this on. You can grip the chair if you like.”

Artemis sighed, putting the elastic around his head and carefully climbed up.

“Afraid of heights, Artemis?” Holly shouted at him.

“Remember, Artemis, it’s not the fall that kills you, it’s the landing,” Butler added in light jest.

“Very funny. Regular comedians, you two,” Artemis muttered as he slid into the seat, shakily, sliding on the blindfold with one hand and gripping the seat for dear life with the other. He heard a click and the sound of something rolling on the floor.

“I’ve moved the ladder out of the way so that when you do fall you won’t bang your head before I can levitate you,” Quan shouted at him. “Now relax, and just try to ignore the shaking. If you’re warlock material, the stress should kick in a response on its own.”

Artemis frowned and began practicing his breathing exercises. Suddenly, the ground and word rocked beneath him violently, and Artemis white-knuckled the chair, gripping the plastic material between his legs.

Just as quickly as the shaking started, it stopped, and Artemis went back to calmly breathing. He was reminded of a trip to Texas, and that stupid mechanical bull on display for use during one of his father’s business partner parties.

He silently cursed that he should have tried the damn thing when his chair rocked a second time.

Artemis didn’t know how he hadn’t fallen off the thing yet. He certainly wasn’t belted in place, but it did kind of feel like his backside was glued to the plastic. Maybe that was his own magical self-preservation at work, or maybe the chair was still coated with leftover sim-wine from a frat party. It certainly smelled like it.

There had to be some kind of trick to it, he considered as the stupid chair rocked again. Whatever it was, nobody had said anything, but after the shaking of the third localized earthquake he’d definitely heard Holly let out a small gasp.

‘I thought I would be sprawled on my back by now too, Holly,’ he thought to himself, before the chair shook again.

This time he heard both Butler and Holly gasp, before they were shushed.

Quan, no doubt.

Was Quan shaking the chair harder each time, and his magic kicking in to minimize the shock? Artemis didn’t think about it. He just sat, gripping the chair like his life depended on it.

Another violent shake never came.

After a minute or two, Quan finally spoke.

“You can let go. I’m done. And take off the blindfold.”

“You won’t shake the chair while my hands are off it, will you?” Artemis asked, coldly. It’s what he would do if the positions were reversed.

“I cannot.”

Not would not. **_Could_** not.

Artemis inhaled, and slowly extricated his fingers off the seat, then, in the quickest motion he could manage, flung off the blindfold and re-gripped the chair in the event of a take-backsie.

Quan stood, three fourths Artemis’s height seated, smiling.

“I’d say we have a warlock to be, wouldn’t you?” he asked if Butler and Holly, both of whom were just staring at Artemis, eyes slightly bugged.

“Holding a shaking chair isn’t that impossible a task,” Artemis reassured his friends. It didn’t seem the sort of thing to boast about. It was just a jittery seat.

“Artemis, if you saw what we did, you would be gloating right now,” Butler commented, shaking his head as if to shake off a mesmer.

“What you saw?” Artemis asked from his perch before he spotted it.

The chair supports were removable, and Quan had stacked them up next to himself.

All **_four_** of them.

Artemis panicked, and the chair began to shake and slide, as though he was riding in the Cesena on turbulent wind.

Sparks flew from Quan’s hand, and the char rebalanced, before gently being guided down to the floor.

Artemis didn’t even notice his whole mouth went dry until he scurried off the seat.

“Congratulations on your first levitation, Mr. Fowl. I’d strongly suggest **_Berrie’s Guide to Basic Magic_** from the student store since I highly doubt you’d want to enroll.”

* * *

 

“Artemis, you can read that in the hotel room,” Butler reminded the young charge for the sixth time, trying to tease the tome out of Artemis’s hands as they walked the boulevard. “If I see you walk and read one more time I will burn that thing.”

Artemis sighed and slammed it shut, cradling it under the crook of his arm.

“And no practicing in front of the rest of the house staff, or your brothers,” Holly chastised.

“Now that, that I’m not idiotic enough to attempt,” Artemis gruffed out.

“Two more things,” Butler said sharply. “One. None of us have eaten in eight hours.”

Holly nodded. “I’m starving too, but we should check you in and drop everything off before grabbing dinner.”

“It’s 4am.”

“Yes, and we are nocturnal. It’s the end of the night. So, dinner.”

Butler couldn’t argue with that.

“And secondly, Artemis, what did your mother ask you to do?”

Artemis’s face paled. “D’arvit,” he hissed under his breath, flipping open his cell phone. Odd. His mother hadn’t left so much as a worrying text, and he definitely had full cell service. Quickly, he dialed his mother’s number.

“Artie?” his mother asked groggily. “All done?”

“No, Mother, though I’ve made a dent in my errands. We are staying overnight, or, overday as it were. I will be back late this evening or early next morning.”

“Artie?” His mother asked a second time, and for a split second Artemis thought his message hadn’t gone through. “You owe me five euro.”

“I owe you- why, Mother?”

“Not you, silly. Your father. He bet you’d actually call me right away. I said that Butler would have to remind you and message on your behalf. Just be glad your brothers didn’t win this one. They said your car- I didn’t tell them it was a flying shuttle- would get swallowed by a whale. At least Beckett did. Myles put his pocket money on engine failure.”

Artemis bit his lip. “Apologies. We did go straight to the customs office and their no-call policy was extremely strict.”

“Which is why Butler texted,” his mother replied sweetly.

“I’ll… I am truly sorry, Mother.”

“Don’t be sorry, just remember to follow up next time, please. I know you’re not the forgetting type, but you are both easily distracted and a little afraid.”

“Afraid? Afraid of what exactly, Mother?”

“Telling us what you’re up to.”

“I was just getting paperwork, Mother!”

“And what other errands? Someone mentioned something about visiting a warlock?” His mother was leading him on, now. Butler must have messaged her about this too.

“I… have a lot of potential, they said,” Artemis admitted. “But I’ll need to practice.”

“Next time you go around in floating chairs, please tell me, Artie. I want to celebrate your achievements too.”

Artemis sighed. “I will, Mother.”

* * *

 

“So,” Artemis asked, scanning the menu. He’d eaten fairy food a few times now, when he’d been dragged down to Haven during the B’wa Kell rebellion, for example. But it had always been provided, he hadn’t actually gotten to choose what to order. “Vegetarians my derriere. There’s meat on the menu, and I don’t just mean insects.”

“Okay, pescatarians.”

“Voles are rodents,” Artemis countered, pointing to the daily special.

Holly sighed. “Some fairies are true meat eaters, like a certain Diggums, but the vast majority of us won’t eat animals we could talk to. Voles, fish, and insects are too low on the food chain. Mice and rats, meanwhile, are surprisingly smart, so even those of us who will go for the occasional fried chicken won’t eat mouse.”

“I can’t imagine the sushi being any good down here,” Artemis joked.

“If you wanted sushi, you should have asked. There’s a really good Atlantean restaurant that just opened up by Police Plaza. Shipped in fresh every day.”

“I’m sure I’ll be back in Haven,” Artemis said warmly. “For now, the risotto sounds perfect.”

* * *

 

“So, whose address is this anyway’s?” Artemis asked, looking at his ID, as they walked away from dinner.

“Where we are heading next. Most faries sleep from nine in the morning your time until roughly five PM, so we can cross one more thing off your list before settling in for the night.”

Artemis nodded, jogging slightly winded to keep pace with Holly and Butler.

* * *

 

Foaly’s house. Artemis wasn’t quite sure what to expect in a fairy dwelling; the buildings downtown felt much like downtown London, save being scaled for an average height of 1.1 meters in lieu of 1.8. But of the eight fairy families, centaurs were by far the smallest in number, so buildings were really designed for elves, pixies, gnomes, goblins, dwarves, and sprites. The demons had to duck to enter some buildings, and Artemis could already see several government buildings under construction with the intent to expand their doorways to accommodate the newest residents. A full-sized Butler, in the few times he’d been down before, loathed having to just about crawl on hands and knees to enter most places. Centaurs, meanwhile, were only about 1.3 or .4 meters in height, taller than elves and pixies, certainly, but not unwieldly so, and still shorter than Artemis by a wide enough margin. He considered both their length and ability to traverse stairs or narrow spaces as the larger concern.

Foaly’s house didn’t seem to look any different than the other houses on the side street- a tall, narrow red-brick affair that roughly reminded him of colonial American city houses. There were planter-boxes with small sim-lamps in the windows, which seemed to be growing herbs, and a pineapple design etched in the door.

Artemis knocked.

“Foaly, its us,” shouted Holly, into an intercom device. “Artemis wants to talk to you.”

Artemis heard one click, then another, and several more.

“How many locks do you have on this door, old friend?” Artemis asked, laughing.

“Used to be more, but Caballine was fed up with taking five minutes just to have company over,” Foaly replied, muffled. “And… there.”

Foaly swing the door open, blinking.

“Okay, how in the nine hells did someone in the LEP give authorization for a transfig spell?”

Artemis smiled. “Is that how you greet your guests? I shudder to consider how you greet your enemies.”

Foaly reached out and flicked Artemis on the nose. “No,  ** _this_** is how I greet my guests,” he said, snorting a half-laugh. “Always wanted to do that to you, mud boy.”

* * *

 

“My dad knows you,” Artemis said brusquely, after being ushered inside, Foaly’s curiosity of how he was elf-shaped satisfied by showing off the rune on his foot and Holly’s quick prosthetic work.

“Does he now?” Foaly replied, sitting fairly comfortably, legs tucked in on a long sofa. The outside of the house may not have looked any different from the rest of the row homes, but the inside certainly was a different story. A small pen with grass was set up in the entire back third of the home; Caballine was expecting a foal, and soon. A centaur’s equivalent of a crib, as they were already up and walking on shaky legs before their first day was over.

“He remembers you wiping his memory, so yes.” There was no malice in Artemis’s voice, and it seemed like Foaly almost expected it.

“You don’t seem to be mad,” Foaly finally articulated.

“Given that I myself willingly subjected to it, I see no reason to be. Father may have been coerced, but certainly not forced. I am more worried as to how confused he is seeing me. Like this.” Artemis gestured to himself.

“You… told him?” Foaly’s voice didn’t sound altogether that surprised. Artemis rolled his eyes. It was barely an attempt to hide his snooping.

“See, I am far more surprised to see your reaction at the front door, knowing you were listening in last week.”

“I thought you’d been transfig’d, I could see the council giving permission for the night to hide your identity at Tara,” Foaly replied. “I didn’t catch enough other than seeing you explaining things to your parents on the sofa, looking like a bonda fide equinox bound fairy. I’m not base enough to put cameras in your own bedroom. Your computer, sure. But I’d rather not witness you changing or master-”

Caballine glared at him. “Ahem,” he continued. “Makeovers aside, yes, I remember wiping your father. Mind you, I’ve had to do it often enough over the centuries that I don’t remember every case. But he was what- three decades or so ago?- and a little bit different than normal. We had a lot to clear out. More than **_you_**.”

“And given he’s beginning to recall, I assume that means a lot of mental strain. How many years of memories were you tampering with, Foaly?”

Foaly ground his teeth, contemplating how to phrase his answer.

“More than a decade’s worth.”

Artemis didn’t gasp often. Butler couldn’t even remember the last time the teen had. Yet here he was, on Foaly’s couch, a now-shaking cup of herbal tea in his hands, just shy of clattering onto the hardwood flooring.

“More… than… a… decade?” the boy finally breathed out. “What the hell did he **_do_**?”


	5. The Long Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more reviews! Thank you Elderwind Dolly on FF and EmeraldSeaBug on AO3!
> 
> I'm still desperately seeking an editor, though, if anyone is able to help.
> 
> This chapter is less comedy and more setting things up to come, but I promise 6 is about Artemis's first flying lesson and the difficulties of shielding. Both of which should be pretty darn humorous. :D

Foaly sighed. “This is going to be a long day, isn’t it?”

“Just… start talking,” Artemis said calmly. “I’ll reserve judgement.”

“Sure you will,” the centaur grumbled, shifting on his couch. “I’m going to need some coffee for this.”

“I have a pot on brew,” Caballine called from the kitchen. “Don’t leave Artemis waiting, dear.”

“It’s called **_stalling_** , sugar cube,” Foaly groaned back. “Fine. The very short version is your father was a LEP informant.”

“He **_what_** ,” both Artemis and Holly deadpanned simultaneously.

“We’ve had a program running for a few decades, post your World War whatever-it-was. Once you humans discovered nuclear weapons, we needed to keep track of it. You’re already ruining the topside, last thing we all need is irradiated soil. And before you whine, mud boy, we’ve been safely handling unstable isotopes for centuries. And our own first foray into it wasn’t totally clean either. If we couldn’t handle it properly when we first discovered fission and fusion, well, what kind of mess would your people cause?”

“So what happened?” Artemis asked with interest. “Did my father outlive your usefulness so you discarded him?”

“Not even close, Fowl. He **_asked_** to be decommissioned. Program’s still operating, your dad’s just retired. Honestly, the man got a lot colder after that. Cleaning out that much upstairs seriously rearranged stuff up there.”

Artemis glowered. “So when my father was a distant money-focused…” Artemis almost wanted to say ‘monster’, but adjusted his tone, “ ** _man_** , it was from being mind wiped? The stories my mother says about how he was when they were dating are true? I assumed his magic induced revitalization after Russia knocked around his personality beyond recognition.”

“Knocked **_back_** his old personality, more like,” Foaly countered. “It’s thanks to what happened to him that we’ve completely overhauled how we even go about erasing memories in the first place. I **_am_** sorry, Fowl, but in the end it seems like he’s coming back around. There’s not much we can do to recover lost time. Not without seriously messing with the time stream itself.”

Artemis frowned. “So.”

“You’re going to ask me why he asked to have his memories wiped, aren’t you?” Foaly asked. His voice was gentle, understanding.

Artemis realized from the way Foaly replied that he himself already knew the answer. “Mother was pregnant,” he blurted. “With me. Or it was when I was born.”

“Your father didn’t want to endanger his wife or son. As someone soon to be a father myself, well, let’s say I’ve changed too.” Foaly touched the top of his mane, where he used to wear that stupid tinfoil hat of his, long since discarded as he opened up to those around him.

Artemis snorted. “If only that idiot would know what his son grew up to be.”

* * *

 

Coffee finished, stories shared, cups left to crust, and Foaly demanding a cheek swab with an odd smirk from the new elf before parting, Artemis, Holly, and Butler prepared to rest for the night before another bureaucratic nightmare at the bank the next (or for those topside, later that) day.

Artemis sat on the edge of the bed in the hotel, knees to his chest.

“I’m a warlock,” he muttered to Butler, who was busy checking all of the entryways before they called it a night.

“You are,” Butler replied, nodding. “I knew you’d always amount to great things, Artemis, with your brain, but this is still quite a bit to take in.”

“Agreed, old friend,” Artemis replied with a nod.

“Get some **_sleep_** , Artemis. We need to be on fairy time down here. Treat it like jet lag.”

“I am aware,” Artemis replied, eyeing his stack of books from the university store. “I can read those in peace when I’m home later,” he reminded himself and rolled under the covers, fake ears still glued in place.

* * *

Holly met the two of them in the hotel lobby just after breakfast the next “morning” (Artemis and Butler extremely grateful for the eggs among the fried spider and grub dishes offered- even if they were of extremely unknown origin), Artemis disgruntled he was forced to wear the same clothing as the evening before, fidgeting with a cuff.

“Come on, mister prima donna, bank first. We want to get there when it opens or it’s another evening wasted,” Holly said. “I have your ingots in my vehicle already.”

“Since when have you offered me valet service?” Artemis joked lightly.

“Since it’d hopefully shrink the amount of time I had to deal with you, I’m using my PTO for this,” she ribbed back.

* * *

 

The bank and shopping went without a hitch, Artemis gingerly sliding his new debit card alongside the ID in his wallet; a small number of coins jingling in a pouch on his belt suddenly made him feel… relaxed? He couldn’t place it. But having that gold within a hand’s reach was warm and safe for some reason.

He assumed the fairy in him.

“If you’re ever low on magic,” Holly warned, looking at Artemis, as he absentmindedly brushed the pouch for the fifteenth time, “keep gold near you. It’ll amplify what you have. If you’re out, though, you’re out.”

“Is that why you all have such an affinity for the metal, Holly?” Artemis asked, realizing he was performing the action and slapped his hand down to his side.

Holly nodded. That explained why trading off so much gold to a fairy granted a wish. It was a massive booster shot to their ability.

“Also, Artemis?”

“Yes?”

“It’s not ‘you all’. I think the appropriate term is ‘we all’.”

Butler looked down and back at his charge in the backseat of the vehicle. “The lady’s right, Artemis. And remember what that means.”

“No alcoholic drinks from humans…” Artemis started.

“Er, that’s not quite true,” Holly interjected, turning the personal shuttle down the main thoroughfare. Towards Police Plaza, Artemis realized. “It’s a body weight thing. We **_can_** drink, it just dulls magic, and get intoxicated much faster. The People more easily develop alcohol dependence and poisoning.”

Holly sighed. “The ‘no drinks from humans’ thing is more a warning than a law, from when humans used to try and ply us with booze for control. Taking a sip from your family once in a while won’t suddenly sap your magic. Our own booze is just lower concentration- be mindful if you start feeling drunk.”

Butler relaxed considerably. “So I can cook with it? I often cook with wine and finding out Artemis’s… ahem… changes made me concerned I might have screwed him over in the months before he came clean.”

“Just have a light hand,” Holly admonished. “Still advise against though.”

“And meat?” Artemis asked.

“Animals eat animals, Artemis. It’s **_life_**. It’s just very hard for most of us to eat anything we can talk to. If you want to keep your old diet, I’m not stopping you, though I **_will_** give you dirty looks. Honestly with the way you Irish eat, you would have lost your magic the first day back home if eating meat was a problem.”

Artemis half-snorted at this. “Fair.”

“Just avoid animal fat, especially in large quantities. It blocks magic like you wouldn’t believe. Doesn’t sap it, but if you fall in a barrel of butter you’ll be more than just annoyed your clothes are greasy.”

“Who keeps around barrels of butter?” Artemis laughed out as Holly deftly parked.

“I suppose that was more of an eighteenth century problem,” Holly mused. “Lard is worse. Until you’re clean… it’s like you’ve got no magic at all.”

“Noted,” Butler said, unbuckling his seat belt. “I will make sure he doesn’t bathe in shortening anytime soon.”

“Hey, vegetable shortening is fine,” Holly replied. “It’s the saturated fats. Talk to the sciencey types if you wanna know why. I can’t remember that part of chem class.”

“Why are we here, anyway?” Artemis asked, looking up at the ancient marble. “I thought we completed everything on the to-do list. Passport, identification, bank account, clothing, harassing Foaly,” Artemis said, ticking each item off on his fingers. “And mages’ college,” he added, eyeing the wrapped stack of books sitting next to the window of his now unoccupied seat in Holly’s vehicle.

“Visa,” Holly said simply. “You need one to go topside. Going down isn’t the issue, but coming up… well even the Council needs them. Think they’re still trying to figure out how to handle you though. If you get a mission visa… you’d essentially be able to come and go as you like, which is **_not_** on their agenda. But in your case… they’ll want you to get out when you’re done with your business down here.”

“That would be difficult if they only process paperwork on this side,” Artemis replied nodding. “I don’t think any of them want me to come down when I please and then not be able to leave.”

“You are one of us now, yeah, but your home is still topside,” Holly said with a light smile. “You’re not breaking our ability to hide by being up there, though there’s murmurs saying we shouldn’t be allowing you back on the surface. Vinyáya at the very least is making it clear that that’s not an option. Commander Kelp is backing her up, too. So just try and…”

“Out of the way, keep my mouth shut, and just get a surface visa,” Artemis said, pleasantly. “Just another day of being despised by business partners or foreign governments. Normal Fowl behavior.”

Holly knew the treatment probably bugged him, but let him keep his bravado.

“Something like that,” she replied quietly.

* * *

 

The visa was given with little fuss, though Trouble did pull Artemis aside for a quick admonishment.

“Look, Fowl, I’m doing what I can here. For now, you stay topside unless LEP or N’1 is sent to get you, capiche? Once we figure out how to handle a reverse visa, we’ll let you know. So please, no hopping a shuttle down from Tara until we have something that appeases the older folk. Unless there’s some sort of, I don’t know, an **_emergency_** …” Trouble added with a smirk and a sharp nod. “I have your back as much as I can, but don’t go pushing your luck. And… for the love of Frond if Butler is joining you have him wear some ears,” he added, pointing to the tips of his own. “We’ve been getting too many calls from panicked residents regarding human sightings. At least ask him to wear a hat to cover them or **_something_**.”

“Ah, I **_very_** much appreciate the xenophobia,” Artemis replied sarcastically. Trouble actually looked a bit ashamed. “Seriously, I do comprehend that the local populace is concerned, and with reason. I’ll ask Holly for some more prosthetics.”

“ ** _Captain_** Short,” Trouble corrected, sharply. “You will address my subordinate officer with her title while on duty. And see Foaly before you leave. Apparently he’s been tinkering in the biochem lab since arriving this evening.”

* * *

Artemis waited as the door to Foaly’s panic room hissed open and the centaur ushered them inside. Foaly crosses his arms, an extremely wide grin on his face.

“Well, Fowl, you can take off those stupid rubber ear tips.”

“Not without solvent, I’m afraid,” Artemis replied, as Foaly took a small object from his breast pocket.

“Or UV,” Foaly replied, quickly running the pen light around the tips, and pulled gently to peel them off.

“Foaly I just got reprimanded for Butler’s lack of fairy ears,” Artemis said, mildly annoyed, as Foaly dropped the pair in Holly’s hands. “We still need to return topside without permanently scarring the locals.”

“Which is why I’m going to ask Holly to wash them and put them on Butler if they fit, or call the hospital prosthetics department otherwise. These aren’t exactly easy to come by- we don’t need them, for one. I have something a little better for you anyway.”

Foaly gently tossed Artemis a pill bottle, which he fumbled with for a few moments before recovery. Butler gave him a sharp glare before following Holly to a corner to get Artemis’s own old ears applied- one that reminded the teen that he needed to exercise his mind on top of his body.

“Medicine?” Artemis asked curiously. He read through the bottle, which had been designed to look like it had come from a Dublin pharmacy. “I appreciate the migraine medication for the full moon, but I don’t think this helps me now- unless this bottle is very deliberately mislabeled.”

Artemis unscrewed the cap, and looked inside. There were about sixty or so round blue pills.

“It’s not for migraines, though I really should get something whipped up for you on that front. I know how bad a teenager’s ‘moon hangover’ can be.” Foaly looked expectant.

“I am not taking strange pills unless I am told what their actual purpose is,” Artemis replied with a glare.

“Fine, fine. One if you’re this size, two if you’re normal-you sized. They’ll stimulate your own cells to massively reproduce within a localized area. Since your DNA got so massively overwritten that means…”

“I’ll grow elf ears,” Artemis finished, understanding. “People keep saying transfiguration is a bad idea, and seems to require some sort of license. What makes this any different?”

“Transfig is controlled because you’re temporarily modifying someone’s DNA. It’s a last resort, difficult, painful, et cetera.”

“But as this is my own…” Artemis quickly realized, “it should not pose any physical or ethical issues?”

Foaly nodded. “A dose of this to grow them, and I have a second medication for localized atrophy, and if you’re going to keep using your runes to shrink, since it’s your own cells, you can take this before or after.” Then Foaly looked serious, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring right into Artemis’s soul. “Try not to take each one more than once in a day. All that cellular growth burns a lot of your own energy. More than twice and your body might start eating your organs to have enough to do it. **_I’m not being hyperbolic_**. Once on, once off per day. No more than twice each. You got that, former Mud-Boy?”

“Why bother?” Artemis asked. “The prosthetics worked just fine. I’m not daft enough to forget to take them off before shredding the rune-paper.”

“Try this a few times and then ask me ‘why bother’,” Foaly replied, grinning.

Artemis considered a few moments, and took a single pill from the canister before capping it shut, swallowing it dry. If it had been anyone else in Haven- even a hospital- he would have probably took the canister home with a smile and then disposed of it discreetly later. For a long few minutes Artemis sat there, watching Holly carefully clean then re-paint the ear tips to match Butler’s less pallid skin tone. Butler, meanwhile, was ignoring Holly in favor of glaring straight ahead at Artemis’s face, as if he could jump in and save the boy from something should the pill not work as intended. Almost ten minutes ticked by, when Artemis noticed Foaly was eyeing the chronometer on his wrist.

“Annnnd… metabolizing about…. **_Now_**.”

Everything in a wide arc above his eyes began to burn- not hard, more like an annoying tingle. Artemis instinctually shut his eyes.

“Does it hurt?” Foaly asked concerned. “I had a painkiller slow release alongside the cellular division.”

“Prickling,” Artemis replied through clenched teeth more in anticipation of a pain that wasn’t coming than actual discomfort. “And I am suddenly extremely hungry.”

“Probably best to eat right before doing this,” Foaly replied, watching Artemis intently. “Let me get you an energy bar at least.”

Artemis couldn’t see what was happening with his face, but he could feel things slowly rearrange, and not just his ears. His forehead was also… for lack of a better word… **_thickening_**. Not to cro-Magnum levels, he hoped, but he knew elves weren’t just shrunken humans with ear tips, their skulls were just so slightly squarer and bulkier, like Holly’s or Trouble’s.

It was then that he noticed his ears could rotate, and his hearing improved at least five-fold. He could hear everyone’s heartbeats in the room. He adjusted, trying to pick out minute sounds he would have normally had to hear with specialized equipment.

Artemis inhaled, relaxing his shoulders as he felt a slightly furry hand put a wrapped bar in his. Still, with his eyes shut, he greedily ripped it open and took a bite.

Blueberry flavored. Artemis grinned. Better than any cheap or even expensive supermarket bar he’d had. He ate with purpose, continuing to adjust his newly maneuverable ears until he felt a sudden, quick shot of pain from their tips, harsh enough for him to startle, drop the bar, and shoot open his eyes.

“Sharp pain?” Foaly asked expectantly.

“Just… for a moment. It has passed,” Artemis replied, still mildly shocked.

“Then you’re done. I needed some signaling marker to stop the cell growth.”

“You… essentially gave me localized cancer,” Artemis mused aloud. “Rapid and explosive cell reproduction, hopefully without the normally assumed negative side effects,” he added, gingerly touching the tips of his ears.

He felt it all the way down to his toes. His elf ears were **_extremely_** sensitive. He stood up, then nervously adjusted, realigning himself. Even his spine was slightly different like this, and he reached back to feel two knobs of bone on his shoulder blades. “The vestigial wings,” he muttered to himself. “The same way we humans have a tailbone.”

“ ** _We_** nothing,” Foaly said smirking. “That’s your own DNA’s doing.”

* * *

 

The shuttle topside felt almost like regular airport security, when he actually took commercial flight instead of his own personal planes.

Holly saw him to his Tara-bound craft, laden with almost all of their shopping. Foaly kept a few of their outfits in Police Plaza just in case he had to come down in a hurry and would need clean clothes. Artemis didn’t doubt with their luck that would be necessary within three to six months, at the latest.

“I’ll keep my magic practice confined to the Manor, I’m aware about the pills…” Artemis started, absentmindedly rubbing an ear.

“And these are from N’1,” Holly added, thrusting a small box at him. “I wasn’t letting you have them until we went through customs. I’m sure ** _your_** bags were searched ten times over.”

Artemis looked inside. Runes, for both Butler and Artemis to shrink as needed, with instructions on how to write a few himself.

“In case you need to come back for some reason. Next full moon is in two weeks; if you want to come to Tara, just come.”

“And… I’ve gotten an instructor’s visa. Usually those are for LEP instructors teaching new Recon about coming topside but…”

“ ** _But_**?” Artemis asked, eyebrow raised.

“The council has basically come to the ‘demon you know’ conclusion. So long as you help us, we help you. Making **_you_** the second Artemis Fowl Police Plaza will have on their payroll. I’ll be up later this week to start you on flying lessons. Try to have a competent shield by then.”

Artemis was stunned but left his face neutral. “I knew **_your_** type would come around,” he said. “Or do I mean **_my_** type?” he added smirking. “If everyone insists on correcting me on this matter I will promise to make **_very_** good use of it.”

“Just go before the ship leaves. I think you’re on board with a high school field trip.”

Artemis narrowed his eyes. “I’m assuming this was for blending in?”

“It was the only shuttle with two free seats,” Holly sighed out. “There’s about a two hundred thousand or so fairies **_worldwide_** , Artemis, among eight separate Families no less. We don’t count ourselves in millions, let alone in billions.”

“Fair point,” Artemis replied, nodding. “See you topside then?”

“Topside,” Holly replied nodding. “And, if nothing else, thanks for that; getting a visa is a pain and a half. Now go, before they leave without you.”

* * *

 

Butler and Artemis stared between them, out in the cold night air of the old kingly hills.

“Artemis, what time is it?” Butler asked, annoyed.

“Approximately three-twenty-seven in the morning.”

“And what do we both look like?”

“Tolkien extras?” Artemis asked curiously.

“And where are clothes that can fit us at full size, or our rune papers?”

“At the Manor.”

“So how do we get home **_without calling a taxi_** , Artemis? Last I checked, Holly picked us up straight from the house yesterday, or, rather, two days ago, if I’m going to be as pedantic as you.”

“Which one of my parents will be less annoyed to take a two-hour round trip to pick us up?” Artemis replied, defeated.

“That is **_your_** problem, and not mine, Artemis.”


End file.
